Lostsong's Amnesia

Chapter 11

We walked in pure silence. Spiderthorn probably knew how terrible I was feeling at the moment. It was awful, knowing the idiotic reason I killed my sister. In all honesty, I think it was because I thought she was threatening my reputation. No, I knew that was why. Ivyshine always seemed to be so quiet. She could do anything. I had to work for my rights. But she loved, and I didn't love her for it. 

She just wanted me to understand. That was all she ever wanted, and I never took any of what she was saying or doing into consideration. I didn't even try to remotely defend her. I sighed, trying to forget this whole thing. I knew that StarClan only did this because I needed the information to become leader. I needed the clarification. Plus, they gave me a choice.

"Hey, you know this doesn't change how anybody feels about you. Freckledawn said you were under a lot of stress and pain when it happened. We forgive you Lostsong," Spiderthorn said, smiling. It was a genuine smile, like Brightstar's from before.

I nodded, "I just feel terrible for my mom. She only has Kindlepaw and me left, and even then...," I trailed off, sighing heavily. Spiderthorn nodded, letting me reflect for a few moments. I knew that my mother loved me, but was there something deep down that reminded her? She had two daughters that had killed. One was still alive.

"Swanflight understands the whole thing. You know, she made a big mistake when she was younger too. Your mother tried to blackmail her father after he left your grandmother. Silverflame was his name? But really, your step-grandfather was the one to force Silverflame away. Silverflame killed that cat," Spiderthorn explained. I remembered about that cat I had seen in the Dark Forest cave. 

"Yeah," I said flatly.

"It was a big confusing blame game really...," Spiderthorn started off on the topic once more. He looked over to me, stopping himself when his eyes met mine. We continued back in actual silence now, heads down.

Upon arrival, we saw camp in quite a mess. Cats were rushing about, wondering where I was. Some even wondered where Brightstar was, but Freckledawn told them as much as possible. He was also in a scurry, running around and trying to calm cats down.

Spiderthorn sighed, eyeing over the scene for a few moments. Beetletail rushed up to us, a frantic look in her eyes. 

"Where were you guys! Camp is such a mess, dear StarClan," Beetletail said, almost in a growl. Spiderthorn explained everything, including the cave part. Beetletail was in an outrage with him. While they argued, I crept away to the Shadow Rock. I remembered that now. It was the place that ShadowClan leaders addressed the clan. I hopped to the very top, sending out a call for attention.

The whole camp turned to face me, very close to being all at once. Their eyes pleaded for answers. I knew this was it. This was the time I needed to state my position.

"I'm afraid that I never got the chance to formally tell all of you of Brightstar's death," I began, watching a few cats hiss in anger. One of them was Cinderclaw. His dark blue orbs were firey with hatred. Perhaps he was mad that I rejected him the other night. Maybe not.

"What, did you kill him?" Cinderclaw called out. Spiderthorn and Freckledawn joined me on the Shadow Rock, faces serious.

"Shut up, all of you! Lostsong will explain, but only if you all act like respectable warriors!" Spiderthorn spat, eyes on Cinderclaw. The clan quieted. I nodded my thanks to Spiderthorn, continuing.

"Brightstar was starving himself. I take partial blame. Only because I didn't listen to him when he was hurting, when he was trying to understand me. I had no idea I killed Ivyshine. Besides the point, he also had some sort of chronic illness. It could not be helped," I began, eyeing over the Clan. No one spoke. I caught a few nasty looks, but nothing else.

"I had to get my memories back. There was no way in StarClan's name I could lead this Clan without them. Spiderthorn and I went to the forbidden StarClan cave within ShadowClan's territory-"

I was cut off by the outrage of my Clan. They all looked at me with unfiltered rage now. Even my own mother. I sighed, clearing my throat. This might take awhile.

"Besides that," I said, louder than the gathered cats. They quieted down a bit, "We slept there in hopes that I would receive my memories. Perhaps regretfully, I did. I have to apologize to all of you for my actions. I have nothing to justify myself except for the fact that I am willing to take the appropriate steps of apology to become leader of this Clan."

The gathered cats were silent, less angered than before. Cinderclaw looked dumbstruck, like the thought of me apologizing was a rare occurance. I guess it was, from my memories. Swanflight was the first to yowl out in approval. The rest of the Clan followed not long after that.

I sighed in relief, followed by Spiderthorn. An idea hit me. He would make a wonderful deputy. From my memory, he was a brilliant fighter. He already had kits, a mate. He was smart too. If we hadn't gone to that cave, I wouldn't have my memories right now.

"What are you going to do to apologize?" Cinderclaw called out once the Clan quieted down. He sounded skeptical. I stared him down, waiting for silence.

"I'll go to RiverClan, and apologize there," I replied, trying my hardest to sound confident. Spiderthorn shot me a skeptical look now, his eyes worried. Cinderclaw sat back, done with his argument.

"And on that note, I must go to Oak Tunnel. I hope it is acceptable to appoint my deputy before I'm off?" I said, trying to keep on a good note. No one spoke out, so I continued.

"I say these words before StarClan, so that the spirits of our warrior ancestors and Brightstar may hear and approve of my choice. The new deputy of ShadowClan is Spiderthorn."

I dipped my head, waiting for Spiderthorn to occupy the spot beside me. He did, excitement buzzing under his pelt. We touched noses as the Clan cheered. I realized that his mate, Juniperfire was cheering the loudest. Her two kits, Batkit and Ashkit cheered too. I smiled. 

I dismissed the meeting, hopping off of the rock and following Freckledawn back out of camp. Spiderthorn came too, and I didn't tell him to return. Freckledawn stopped at the edge of Star Hollow, and pushed a bundle of herbs my way. Spiderthorn was already chewing on his, a disgusted look on his face. I cringed, gulping down the bitter herbs. They were for strength.

"Now that's over with, let's be off. Oak Tunnel isn't far, but the trip to StarClan is tiring. By the way, congratulations Spiderthorn," Freckledawn said, starting up the edge of Star Hollow. I followed, not speaking. This was it. I was so close to leading a Clan. I thought about tonight's gathering.

I could make it.

I would make it.