It's difficult to pinpoint the exact moment I realised that you were a friend like no-one I'd had before. I suppose it happened at the end of year 7, after the so-called 'drama' about that boy. Hindsight shows how oblivious i was. Of course the one boy i had taken an interest in had long blonde hair and very few masculine things about him (not to say that boys cant have long blonde hair and have to be very masculine, it just reminded me of you).
Throughout year 8, you were always there. Every time. Every time you saw my forearm in a bandage, every time i ate nothing but a fraction of an apple and some water for lunch, every time i cried myself to sleep, it was like you knew. I'm sorry i was not there for you the same. I tried so hard to be there but, alas, like a true self-absorbed bitch, i was too caught up in my own head to notice when you needed me.
Continuing the theme of my selfishness, i am not sorry for my feelings when you were with her. Why i thought there was any possibility of it lasting, i do not know. Nevertheless, I simply could not be civil. No way in hell. And i am unashamed. The simple fact is, i thrive off of your hatred for her. It fuels me, it gives me joy, i fucking love it. Does that make me a horrific excuse for a human being? I doubt it. It merely makes me a lonely dreamer with the audacity to love you (if that sounds like i am making excuses for my shitty behaviour, its because i am).
When she sent you that picture, I wish i could have been there for you. I remember getting your message and laying awake the following night contemplating how i would have consoled you had i been in the country. I pictured myself walking the entire 2 miles between our homes to get to you. You would answer the door with slightly bloodshot eyes, just enough for me to know you'd been crying. We would go up to your bedroom where you would tell me everything that happened and how you felt. I would hold you close and let you know how much i love you as you cry. But no. It shall remain a fantasy. Probably for the best,really.
I have taken the relationships of my peers as cautionary tales, you in particular. Part of me wants to say that we were all much younger then, that we would be too mature for those problems,that we've learned from past mistakes; yet my rational side believes that there are some things people just can't change. My biggest reason for thinking it could work, is the simple fact that i'm not her. Nevertheless, the timing is so wrong. Do we really want to be 'the gay couple' in school? I don't think i could stand so many people i've never spoken to before asking us 'have you scissored yet?'. Besides, 15-year-olds relationships don't last. That's just a fact. I'm not prepared to sacrifice having you as my best friend to have you as my girlfriend for, like, 3months, and then break up and never want to see you again. I suppose if there were a guarantee that we would be happy together and love each other at least until the end of year 11, I would have gone for it by now. Oh well. It's all for the best (that's what I keep telling myself anyway).
