I can, however, pinpoint the exact second I realised liked you. It was when you came out to me. Not only was that when i realised I liked you, but also the moment my sexuality first presented itself to me. I'm not sure how, im not sure why, but the second i read the words 'I'm gay' on the note you gave me, something changed in me. Like you had given me the final puzzle piece and, at last, everything was crystal clear.
That night, I remember laying in bed and thinking about my wedding. When I turned around, to see my bride, it was you. Of course, it was you. Looking back now, it's plain to see that it was always you. But, in the wise words of Neck Deep, hindsight's 20/20. I didn't realise then that you were literally the girl of my dreams then, and why should I? At 13, a crush is just that, at 13, you think you'll be over it in a week, at 13, it's not supposed to matter. I didn't want it to last this long. The longer it lasts, the further I fall and the further i fall, the bigger of an inconvenience it becomes.
But every time I look at you I see what could be. Flashes of futures filled with warmth, and sunshine and softness. I often find myself dreaming about what could be. The way I might gently move a piece of hair out of your eyes,the soft kisses,the excitement and electricity. I feel the need to remind myself that those moments would not be the full story. Of course there would be storms, but without rain, how would we get flowers?
I say all the time that you are the most amazing person I've ever met. Never once have those words held even the slightest hint of a lie. I am enamoured by the smallest movements of you hands,your clear blue eyes remind me of the ocean,or the sky on a clear summer afternoon. It is a blessing to receive a smile from you and each one is so very special; your sweet voice could be telling me the most horrific things,but I would still want to kiss you. Your mind is spectacular, your wit, your views, your everything. Spectacular. What I would give to see inside your mind, completely unfiltered. You are one of the most incredible, complex beings I have ever had the pleasure of knowing, and for that I thank you. So thank you, beautiful, for always making it sunny.
By the time you found out, I was already in too deep. Over a year too deep. One might compare it to going scuba diving with weights tied to yourself. You will not come away from this unharmed. Nothing can save you when you're already that invested. Heartbreak is certain at some point. Even if we had got together, we would have broken up eventually, and i would have been just as sad as I am now. I knew that you didn't feel the same about me, but that didn't make it any easier.
