"Damn it P, I came over here to be mad at you. I need you to be as mean as possible so I can justify my anger." I attempted to cheer Pearce up, while maintaining a strong embrace. As un-emotional as she may try to be, I could tell she was truly sorry for the situation at hand. I'm not gon lie and say that this fixes everything, because the real issues still lie very clear. I want to be as open as possible with her, but if that can't be reciprocated then I guess I gotta bounce.
She stayed put, with my arms draped over her frame and her head on my chest while her arms stayed by her side.
"can we talk about some things mama?" I asked, not wanting to push her out of her comfort zone. She nodded, and made her way to the couch while i followed. "can I start?" she quietly asked, taking me back a little. I think this has been heavy on her mind. The Pearce I know was always very reluctant to speak her mind, in fear of letting others know how she really fears along with scaring herself on her true emotions. As long as she could push back her true thoughts, she felt as if she was ok. As we sat on separate couches, I got my chance to observe her.
Her eyes. They were full of an emotion I couldn't make out. I don't think it was sadness either, she looks distraught and full of anger. I've never seen anyone with that much rage in their eyes. My first thought is that i hope it has nothing to do with her mom, but all I can do is hope at this point.
"go ahead" I urge. I didn't know what direction she would go in, but at this point all I want is to hear her calming voice.
she took a deep breath, and exhaled.
"all you've ever done was help me get out of my comfort zone. I should've realized that you had nothing but pure intentions. But I have certain issues that I didn't, and still don't think I should drag you into. And I know you say that we have the same problems as long as we're together, but it's not that simple. I've been attempting to deal with mine since I was a child, and it's unfair to you if I spring it all upon you in the short amount of time we've been a thing. I'm sorry O."
She ended, looking at her feet the entire time, but finally raising her head to make eye contact with me on her last sentence.
I hate that she thinks she's a burden to me. I've tried letting her know repeatedly that she's actually one of my biggest blessings but for some reason, she fails to comprehend that.
I moved to the couch she was sitting on and put my arms around her. There was a lot I could say right now. I could try to reiterate what I've said since the beginning about being there for her every step of the way, I could ask her to elaborate on why I shouldn't stay, or I could simply tell her I understood and apologize while letting it end.
Instead, I chose to just hold her. Despite the flaws she sees, she's the most genuine person I've ever met. For the life of me I could never understand how someone who's been through what she has, can still view life as valuable. I don't intend on throwing away my relationship with her, but I can't alter the thoughts in her head. And that scares me.
So I just held her. And to tell you the truth, this is probably my last time holding her.
"Thank you. For allowing me to get close to you, and learn from you. I'll never forget you."
I kissed the side of her head, as i felt her put her head into my neck.
"Hopefully one day, I can make some changes." She whispered quietly.
-
I know this is short, but the next chapter is going to be set sometime in the future, maybe a year later or something, so I imagine that will be quite a long chapter.
Again, you guys know I stay on my bullshit with these updates, so I'm sorry. Thank you for reading though, I appreciate it!
