Too Deep

The Rain

It was raining. It was so dark but it was light outside. I was the only one without a black umbrella. The water drops from the rain stuck to my skin and rolled off my shoulder and down my back. It's soaked my clothes and matted my brown hair down. My tears danced along with these drops, lost in the rain. You see, I am no stranger to the dark or to the rain. I have been taught to hide my scars. I have been taught to be ashamed of my scars. But this day... This day was to break my soul. This day changed my whole entire life.
        
It was freezing outside and I'm sure I was shivering but I felt too numb to notice. I could hear people whispering, I could hear the preacher praying, but all I could do was stare numbly at the coffin. This was not real. This was fake. My mother could not be dead. Or could she? She was. This was not fake. My mother was dead. She was in the car. She was driving too fast due to stress. She really had crashed. What was I going to do now? But I knew the answer to that.
            
My father and I have not spoken in almost six years. I used to spend the Summers with him but after a while I stopped. I could not bare to be with him knowing about the secret that he had kept. Now I have no choice but to move in. He lives in New York so I will no longer have the soft and silent country life that I grew up to love. It has been six years. And now without any warning I have to live with him.
             
The journey was long for I lived in Alabama. It took hours but it felt like days. I pretty much just slept in the seat not saying a word. I have been diagnosed with depression but this has only increased my sadness. I could not speak, I could not think, I could not feel. I had nothing.
           
I arrived in New York and was met by my dad. He was standing to the side not smiling and did not look comfortable. His head was down and he was slouching and he seemed distracted. Sighing, I grabbed my bags and walked towards him.

"Hey! It's been a while. How long?" He put on a fake cheery accent and I decided I wasn't going to pretend like him. "Six years." Blunt and harsh. I continued walking and heard him side behind me. Following me to his car he told me random stuff that had happened like his job and his friends. It seemed like he did not have many friends and his... Girlfriend or as I call her, slut buddy, had ditched him. Serves him right for cheating on the best wife and mom.

Finally he told me the rules. I was not to run in the house, I was to finish my dinner before bed and before I watched television. I was to go to bed when I was supposed to and all this other stupid crap. I sighed and looked at him. "I'm not eleven anymore dad! I don't really have a bed time and I don't watch a lot of television anyway. I take care of myself. I don't need you telling me what to do!" He seemed angry by this and he tried saying that he was my Father which made me laugh.
" You will never be my father! You cheated and left mom!" I snap and he sucked in his breath. I may have hit a nerve but I do not care. I was too angry with him. "You are a stranger to me. I don't love you anymore!" I left the kitchen and went to my room. The night was tense and rough and I spent so much time unpacking in my room that I didn't really see him much for the rest of the night. As I was angrily shoving my night clothes into the bottom drawer of my dresser, I heard a knock on my door.  Sighing I said,  "Go away, Dad. " But did he listen? No.

"Look... It's been a long time. Years. Can you please help me out here.  You may like it.  You never know." His voice was gentle and he seemed really sincere and I almost fell for it.  But then... Did he use this voice with Mom when he lied and said that he wasn't cheating? I harden my feelings and shove my drawer closed. "I do know.  I know that I hate it here and always will. " Then, I shove the door closed.  Maybe that was harsh but... Who cares. I don't.  I didn't.  I've been in this rain before.  I'm no stranger to the rain.  To the storms.  To the fights. No. I do not care.