As the Wind Changes (Camren)

Chapter 8

"Sometimes when you're so lost and you can't find yourself, when you can't find the person you've spent your whole life trying to build, it's necessary to turn around or choose another path you never thought you'd take. Sometimes being lost is the only way of finding. So if you feel like being someone else could be the answer, then just let go. Perhaps that's the only way for you to eventually find that who you are, this version of yourself you've been trying to escape from, is the only one that would make sense."

There are small moments in one's life, moments that last for a blink of an eye, a second, a single breath; when one's consciousness seem to detach from reality and in its place there's only emptiness. In that fleeting moment, there's clarity out of nothingness, revelation out of idleness. In that moment, one's essence shines through and the world around them doesn't seem to exist.

Lauren cherished those rare moments; times right after she opened her eyes from a deep slumber, times when she got to daydream in between the strokes of her paintbrush, times when she could close her eyes and just smile when she caught the first note her sister was playing on the piano. Times when she could just resign to this world where it was hers and only hers and nothing else existed but the privilege to just...be.

But lately, those short moments of clarity had seemed to vanish altogether. Lately it felt like there was nothing Lauren could do to make herself feel like...herself. And she couldn't help but think about how disturbing that was. She had been trying to do all the things that she was used to doing but nothing had worked to bring back the sense that she belonged to herself. At one point, her last shred of faith had crumbled, leaving a wide gap of despair and uncertainty.

And she wondered if telling herself to keep trying was even worth it anymore.

"Lauren..."

With that simple intrusion, another attempt of seeking solace, of wishing for that rare moment had once again vanished into the air, leaving her gaunt and hollowed.

"Hmm?" Lauren responded, yet her gaze remained at a random spot she had chosen to set her eyes on throughout the whole meeting.

Ms. Hernandez sighed subtly, leaning forward in her seat. "Do you want to be here today?"

Lauren's gaze dropped, jaw clenching. The hold her arms had around her body tightened, she couldn't help it, she just felt so...threatened. And that was something she had never felt before in the presence of the guidance counselor. Ms. Hernandez had done nothing but helped her over the years but right now she could only describe the woman's gaze as patronizing. She didn't want to be seen.

She knew though, she knew it was all in her head. That it was her mind's way to cope, to hold on, the so-called defense mechanism. But she was just tired, tired of trying, tired of having to breathe. She felt so out of touch with everything outside of her and the chaos inside of her; she didn't know where to begin to sort everything out.

"What if I don't want to?" She murmured quietly, refusing to look up.

"Then you're allowed to go. This is not an obligation, Lauren. This is a necessity only if you see it that way."

Lauren exhaled deeply, slowly, closing her eyes. She just needed everything to stop. She just wanted to stop for a while but everyone else seemed so adamant on pushing her too far, too fast. "I just-" She started slowly, furrowing her eyebrows. She sighed, adjusting her body in her seat until she was facing Ms. Hernandez fully. She braced herself to look up, meeting the young woman's gaze. And it was warm and understanding and patient. Lauren felt like she was drowning, it was all too much.

"I just need to...understand." Lauren completed but she knew that those words were just as broken as her conviction. She really didn't know what she needed.