My Darkest Thoughts

Not Today

I woke up today
And felt my world has gone completely dark
Every thought haunting me
Every stare mocking me
Every adult belittling me
Should I give up?

I looked up to my ceiling fan and the shawl in my hand.
This could work as a rope.
But I never could reach the ceiling fan
To tie my noose
I was too little.
So I guess I will wait.
I was afraid of death
So I found excuses.
I still cared for my friends
And my parents would be heartbroken.
Not today.

I woke up today
Many years later, my dark cloud has come to visit
And it isn't going to go away anytime soon.
It gave me cruel thoughts
And made me hate myself.
Should I give up?

I felt worthless
And unnecessary.
The world would be just fine without me.
I no longer was afraid of death
Or rather I didn't care.
I was in a new place
Far away from my friends.
The thought of disappointing my parents weighed on me.
It was so heavy that I sank to the floor.
I couldn't get up.
I didn't want to get up.

But I knew I couldn't do that to my parents
I couldn't betray them.
So I guess I will wait.
I was still afraid
Not of death, but of hurting my parents.
So I found excuses.
I promised to do better
And achieve more
Make them proud
Even if it kills me.
Not today.

I woke up today
My cloud of darkness yet to leave
I have learnt to cohabit with it
And it has learnt to feed off my energy.
My parents don't know about my dark cloud.
My dad asks why I don't sleep or eat properly.
I don't have an answer.
My mom blames my laptop and YouTube for my sleeping habits.
I don't have a reply.
Should I give up?

I put on my smiling mask
And perform day to day activities.
I cover my dark circles with makeup
And hide my tear stained face with foundation.
No one can tell.
Or the world doesn't care enough.
The cruel thoughts in my brain
Became my reality.
I can't turn anywhere for solace
I don't want their scrutinising gaze.

I sit on the cold wet floor.
The warm water from the shower doesn't help.
I force myself to not break
Even on the verge of tears.
I have to keep staying strong.
I can do this.
I tell myself over and over.
Not today.