Clinomania

Head

My head screams at me,
Telling me that I shouldn't try
I'll just fail.
Again.
Like I always do.
It tells me,
I hurt people
It's all I've ever done
And it's better to just leave,
Then hurry another person.
It says,
They don't care about me,
They never have.
I talk too much.
Nobody cares.
I'm too weird.
Nobody likes me.
I'm ugly.
I'm fat.
I'm an idiot.
Overemotional.
Too sensitive.
Mean.
Awful.
Trash.
But,
The worst thing is,
It's not telling me these things
Because it came up with them.
It says these things because
People have told me them.
All my brain has done is repeated them,
Over,
And over,
And over again.
Until I believed them.
Until they were such a fundamental part
Of me
That I couldn't stop thinking them.
Any time
I mess up,
Or I look in the mirror,
Or I try to talk and nobody's there to listen
These things
Come flooding back to me.
I eat too much
I eat too little
I'm tired
I can't sleep
I don't leave my room except to eat
Or drink
Or sometimes go to the bathroom
But I don't drink enough
So that's not often.
Any time someone says something
Mean
Or hurtful to me
My brain says
" See, they think that.
Everyone must think that."
But I just want to tell them
" No. You're wrong."
But I can never open my mouth,
And the words will never come out.
And my brain can never let go.