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Todays agenda on the mind

"Bj are you paying attention at all"

I turn down my headphone and face the professor. "To be honest no no I'm not" i declares staring him straight in the eyes.

"Oh really then please share with the class what you are so deep in thought about" he says challenging me.

But I just can't seem to focus today so as he was talking I'm off to wonderhell again. Lol that's what I call my brain instead of wonderland wonderhell, since it is where I'm constantly overthinking EVERYTHING.

"BJ I ASKED YOU A QUESTION" he yelled at me his veins on his receding hair line bulging.

"Ummm green isn't a good color on you" I say making something up off the top of my head.

{enter a bell noise here}

As people leave the class snickering at my fail attempt to pay attention the teacher motions for me to stay.

As I settle back onto my seat I wonder once again into my wonderhell.

If I were to run and jump out the window now would my cat attend my funeral?
If I did die before my cat who would feed my cat cat?
Would they find it strange I named him cat?
Why do people think it's sooo nessecary to be loved without loving themselves first?
Why do I feel so detached from society I wonder?
Does that mean I'm destined for greatness like in the books?
That's a lot of responsibility to put on a child who doesn't even know what she wants for dinner!
"BJ why do you keep wondering off!" Said the professor snapping me out of my thoughts.

Looking at his face then down at my hand I wonder the same thing. So I tell him that. Without looking at his face I get up and walk out. Thankful that that was my last class of the day I leave to go home.

Once there I take everything off but my undergarments and crash in my bed. Cat walks in and jumps onto my back meowing his head off. Knowing he's asking me what's on my mind I tell him...

"Do u ever just stop and wonder about your future your past the things you've done that u aren't proud of? Cause I do I do this everyone waking moment of my life and sometimes I really just want to stop it. I just want to wake up one day and not be alone with my thought hopefully without having to be in ones company.

I don't want to be the norm but I also do not want to be the extraordinary who saves the world cause I must. I just don't understand the purpose of life at all. Do you lil buddy?"

Meow

"As I thought you don't either huh."

Getting up I feed him his food clean run around an effort to actually exercise lol
Me exercise what a funny joke. But what I actually do is grab a bunch of jokes and turn on some anime hoping for one peaceful night without my thoughts slowly eating me away on the inside.

Why am I like this I wonder?!
Lol this is how I'm gonna end every chapter