Count of Monte Cristo Parody

            On February the 24th, 1815, the Pharaon sailed into the harbor at Marseilles. It moved so slowly, so woebegone, so lugubriously, so…sadly, that people knew something was wrong. A breathtaking young man stood next to the pilot on board. He was perfect in every way; he had astonishing beauty, so much so that he was almost mistaken for a young lady quite often. He had impressive flowing locks, a devastating wit, eyes the color of the night sky and just as vast, nothing short of pulchritudinous.

            As the Pharaon arrived at the dock, the awe-inspiring youth leapt from the deck and landed on the pier with magnificent grace. He struck a pose, whipped back his hair, and summed up all of humanity in a single phrase: “S’up?” All the women in the area instantly fainted from his excellence. The ship’s owner, Monsieur Morrel, walked up to him and inquired, “Why does the crew seem so sorrowful, Dantès?”

            “Oh, the captain died, so we chucked him into the ocean,” replied Dantès offhandedly. “But the cargo is safe; it should bring you a ton of money! You should go talk to Danglars.”

            And so he did, while Dantès saw to the ship’s anchoring. During the conversation, Danglars, the ship’s treasurer, mentioned an esoteric letter and a delay off Elba (and surely you know why Elba is significant, don’t you dearest reader?). He also showed great disdain for Dantès assuming command of the ship. When questioned, Dantès claimed it was ordered of him by the late captain and stated he had to leave and visit his father. They love each other very much and it was a truly touching reunion; let’s leave it at that.

            Meanwhile, Dantès’ one true love Mercédès was doggedly trying to convince her amorous cousin Fernand that she did not love him. Dantès arrived in the midst of this argument, and Fernand slipped away after an eon of the lovers staring into each others’ eyes with no predictable end in sight. The dejected cousin met up with his friends Danglars and a very inebriated Caderousse. Seeing Fernand so repudiated and still seething with his own anger at Dantès’ upcoming promotion, Danglars hatched a plan to solve both of their problems.

            “I’ve hatched a plan to solve both of our problems!” heexclaimed, earning strange looks from everyone around him.

            The next day was absolutely doleful. Dantès and Mercédès’ betrothal feast was monotonous, with everyone just sitting around, occasionally attempting conversation only to have it die soon after. Everyone involved was eager for it to just end. Fernand sat in the corner twitching for the entire feast as if he was nervous about something, but no one paid him any more attention that a passing glance.

            The sound of police sirens snapped the guests out of their humdrum celebrations.   “Edmond Dantès, you are under arrest. Come out with your hands up,” shouted the police over a megaphone. Dantès followed the police willingly, shocked (and, I’m sure you can imagine, relieved to leave the doldrums behind).

            (Oh, by the way, I’m your omniscient narrator. I can see everything that’s going on all the time. Kid of makes you worry what I might do with that power, huh? Anyway, back to our story…)

            Dantès sat in the Procureur du Roi’s office, unfazed by his arrest and oblivious to the gravity of the situation. Deputy prosecutor Villefort, a breviloquent and laconic man, walked in. After a brief interrogation of Dantès, he said he had looked over all the evidence and believed Dantès had been falsely denounced for treason.

            “Give me the letter that you received on Elba and promise not to leave the country, and you’re free to go,” said Villefort.