Broken Handcuffs [III]

v.

White.

Everything was white.

The sheets, the pillows, the walls, the lights, the floors.

All white.

If you weren't insane before you got here, you sure would be by the time of your release. If you got released.

She didn't eat much. She only ate enough to make the hunger pangs go away but never ate until she was truly full and satisfied. Her weight dropped lower than a stripper about to be evicted. But that was a price to pay. That was a cross she chose to bear, prepared to be hung and crucified for the sins she committed. The media did it for her, anyways.

She ticked the days. Went through three Sharpie markers, 304 tallies to this day with a specific red tally she marked instead of the original black— her and Nicole's 2 year anniversary. And did she expect a visit? Not really, but there was something that she pushed deep down inside, the hope that she would at least come and show her face. But that never happened.

She was a docile patient at this point. She'd freaked out and got put to sleep probably four times and she gave it up, knowing there was no way in fuck she was getting out, especially not with her proving to them that she was "crazy". Her family visited her from New Jersey, even her brother Robbie and  her ex-husband Phil made an appearance once. And her heart just about broke all over again when she saw Brie and Daniel.

The first few weeks were the worst. It was like her disorder multiplied its effect— resigned and guilty for all that she did and furious and angry over Nicole, how she didn't understand her and how she regretted not talking to her more. She'd question her relationship with the woman everyday.

What attracted me to her?

What about her made me want to date her?

What in me wanted to ruin her life?

What in me wanted to be her life?

"Shit, I heard about you," One of the patients said, went by the name of Harper, "You're that WWE chick that tried to kill her girlfriend or something?" And she was so numb at that point that she deadpanned the man, "I know when to leave well enough alone. Name's Harper. People 'round here call me Harp. In here because I got caught breakin' a restrainin' order my estranged wife put on my son." She raised her brows in silent question, "Hey now! You won't tell me your story but I gotta tell ya' mines? Fine." He sat up, "Me and my wife, Samantha were together for 20 years. 15 if you only count the marriage. She knew I had my moments. Somethin' ticked me off, I snapped at it 'til it stopped. This story is nothin' like I beat my wife and kid, just so you know. We had a beautiful lil' boy after tryin' for about two years or so. I loved him with all my heart. Sometimes with kids, you get the fighters and you get the lovers and my Ethan was a lover. Kid got bullied in school and didn't fight back." Harper shook his head with a nostalgic smile on his face. "So we'd always be up at the school in some meetin' or conference with Ethan havin' either a busted lip, bloodied nose or black eye, with the other kid cryin' to their parents apologizin'. We all knew he was gonna do it again, the lil' shit was a 19 year old Senior bullying my Freshman son. So I told him in front of his parents that the next time he put his hands on my kid, I'd break 'em and send his pinky to his parents." He threw his head back in a hearty laugh at her reaction. "Parents weren't fans of that, but unlike that kid I was a man of my word. Got arrested and released on bail, but he didn't get bullied until Junior Year. Then I had to up the ante. Ethan's Dad was the topic of that school, I was his phantom bodyguard. Kids avoided him because of the stories they heard about me. He didn't like the isolation though. So when he had another bully, Sam told me to let it go and let him deal with it on his own. And I did, until I caught him walking home because the bully slashed the tires to his car, the car I got him for his 16th birthday. But Sam calmed me down. Then I got a call from one of my son's friends, said he had a gun pulled on him and the bully was makin' him do crazy shit. Rushed down there with my own piece and fired two rounds into the kid's shoulder. Ethan was expelled and I got arrested again. This time I stayed the two years. Came home to nothin' but some divorce papers and a legal restraining order." And she was floored at the story. "Shit we do for love, huh? There's only so much of us we can change." Harper was right.