"I'm Scared" Kim Taehyung ff

Chapter 1

"It's okay, just breathe," my mom told me this for the third time this week as I'm having another panic attack, I was sitting on the couch, shaking and hyperventilating. "Do you want to talk about it?" she asked, I could hear the concern in her voice, I shook my head 'no' as best as I could. I had nothing to talk about, I didn't know why the anxiety suddenly showed up...

This happens almost every day, and it's something I can't control.

My name is Isa, I'm 19, and this is my story.

It all began when I was in 2nd grade, but I will tell you the whole, long story along the way, for now, I will tell you about when I was diagnosed with anxiety. I was 15 at the time, and I had been at home for 4 months without going to school, my parents were really worried and didn't  know what to do, I would get panic attacks daily and none of us knew what was happening. we finally decided that I had to talk to someone about it, I went to a psychiatrist and she told me I had social anxiety. 
I don't really remember all of it, so I will tell you more when I remember more. it's scary to not remember almost your entire childhood.

Fast forward to today, I'm still sitting on the couch with my mom, were just talking by now, I've finally calmed down a little, but I'm still shaking. You would think I would be used to it by now after almost 5 years, but no, it's still as scary as the first time, the difference is just that I now know what it is, and how to handle it.
I have a lot of things that help when I feel a panic attack coming, but sometimes, like today, they don't work. 
My favorite thing to do, and the only thing that always works is to watch or listen to BTS, I know it sounds weird and cheesy, but they have helped me so much, especially Taehyung.
I have pictures of them all over my room, and everywhere in the house, it gives me peace and happiness to look at the pictures, because I know they will always be there for me when I feel scared or sad.

My biggest dream is to one day go to South Korea, even though I know it will never happen, it's the thought that keeps me going, I have promised myself that when I get better I will go there, the only other problem is the money... I obviously can't get a job, and I can't keep asking my parents to give me money. 

It's now 3 in the morning and I'm sitting on my bed watching K-dramas. I have the most boring life ever. Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday are days where I'm just at home, either dancing, drawing, watching K-dramas, listening to music, watching BTS videos or riding my horse. I know it sounds fun, but I just want to meet people, and go out with my nonexisting friends... That's a lie, I do have friends, two friends to be exact. One of them is my best friend, she's almost a copy of me, we think alike and often say the same thing at the same time, she's the only person I trust 100% her name is April.
The other one is also my best friend, although she's not as much my best friend as April, I still love her a lot, she's the one I go to when I just want to have fun and not talk about too many feelings with, her name is Ella.
April also has social anxiety, and we help each other a lot, when one of us has a bad day the other one is there to help. 
Both Ella and April love BTS as much as I do, they're also both a year older than me.
By now you're probably asking 'what do you do on Wednesdays?' well let me tell you!
on Wednesday I have to go to 'work', now, it's not a real job, I don't get paid, it's more of a way of getting out of my house and socializing with other people, I work in a grocery shop for three hours every Wednesday. It's the only thing I've tried so far that is actually helping me overcome my anxiety.

I'm now on twitter because BTS just tweeted, they tweeted a link to a website. 
'WIN A TRIP TO SEOUL WITH BTS' my jaw dropped and I had to bury my face in a pillow to not wake up the whole house because of my screaming. 
I clicked on the link that said 'enter contest' and I'm now filling out the thing where you have to say why you want to win. Reality then hit me. I will never win, and if I did, would I be too scared to go there by myself? The site did say that the winner gets to bring a friend, but, who should I give the ticket to? And what about my anxiety?

(A/N)
This is the first chapter! let me know what you think!

Also, English is not my first language, so I'm sorry if I made any mistakes...