A Dulcet Feeling

The Day it Became Complicated

It's complicated. You know, high school, feelings, and jealousy. Which is why I sugarcoat everything so that it's sweeter and easier to accept. I was still friends with her. I had to tell her but I didn't, which only put us on hold. You know when you call to order food or make an appointment and they put you on hold. It seems like forever. You sit there with it on speaker, waiting for a voice to peak through the phone line. You wait and that's what we did. I had more reasons than just her, to not start something. I'm sorry if I made it seem like I was embarrassed to be with you or led you on but I just wasn't ready. As much as I'd like that sentence to be simple, there is so much more to explain. 

Before you, there was my ex. You know about him because I told you everything. It's also because of the aftermath of it all. I don't want my heart broken and I know the weight of the words "I love you". I know people outside of this circle will think I should leave the past where it is and it shouldn't be a reason to not continue something new with someone else. If they knew all the reasons, I'm sure they'd think differently. I meet with my past every year, like clockwork. Every summer, which is supposed to be relaxing but in my case, tensed. I can't forget the past as much as I want to because trying to forget someone you've loved, is like trying to remember someone you never met. I met him and it wasn't the greatest experience. By remembering and keeping it as an excuse, I'm not giving you the fair shot you deserve. 

I know how you must feel. We hide it at school and try to hide it in public. It's like your feelings for me don't even matter. That's not how I want you to feel. I have never loved like this ever before and I've never been this open. Now that she knows about us, the past is the only thing I can't let go. It's left me scarred and bruised. I know how you feel and I know how I feel. We both feel strongly about each other. Your family has taken me in and made me feel comfortable and sometimes even loved. You and your family are special to me. I feel happy when I'm with you and I feel loved. I have a love for you too but I'll say those words when I'm ready. Here, I'm making a promise and remember it. The day I say "I love you too", will be the day I'm ready for everything. It will be the day where I'm truly open to fall in love again. 

You've showered me with more gifts than you need to. You've treated me in the way that no one ever has. I'm so grateful for that. I've never felt this way before and it's strange. 

I keep laughing at the thought of how we were in the beginning and how we are now. I love this feeling and where it's taking me. Yet, there's one problem. You leave at the end of the year. 

What if this feeling takes me to a better place, just to let go?

If there's one thing I've learned about love is that if you love someone, you need to be able to let them go. I wish a miracle would happen so that you could stay one more year. 

I know that Singapore is not your home but since I've been with you and your family, you've made me remember what home is. You and your family make me feel like I'm home. 

So what happens when your home leaves you?