A Dulcet Feeling

The Day I Slipped Up

I slipped up. I said three little words that carry a heavyweight when you say it to the person you like. Clearly, I don't just like you but those words are a struggle. 

I'm a hopeless romantic. I find meaning in everything that doesn't need deeper emotion or thought. I thought your first kiss was supposed to be special, fireworks and stars. My first kiss was empty, it was like trying to light a matchstick but instead, the whole stick broke. 

My first kiss probably wasn't as special as I wanted it to be because it was on a dare. A dare that I knew was coming my way. If anything, the boy who took my first kiss ruined it for me. He wasn't a great kisser, but he's definitely just remaining as a friend. 

A boy I recently kissed, was bigger than fireworks. I felt sparks fly and saw stars twinkling. 

The way we kiss is sort of, the amazing fun kind because we can be goofy about it. I remember when I didn't finish my water and he surprised me with a kiss, where I smoothly transited the water. We both laughed afterward because we've done weirder things. The best relationship to have with someone is when you're comfortable and open. I'm never nervous around him or scared. He knows almost everything about me but sometimes I do feel vulnerable. Not a lot of people like to be vulnerable because you feel like bait; people can rip you to shreds until there's nothing left because they simply don't understand you. 

I think he does understand me but not yet about how hard it is for me to let go of the past. Without holding onto the past, I'll lose myself in the future because my past made me stronger in my present. Love can be the worse feeling in the world because it's side effects but it can be the greatest feeling if we embrace it. I feel so fragile at times and feel alone although I'm surrounded by great friends and family. What I've learned is that the strongest love is the love that can demonstrate its fragility. 

I know it's bad to use my past as an excuse and that I need to let it go. People who he talks to about me not letting go of my past probably think I shouldn't use it as an excuse. When you've been lied to, abused, toyed with, and manipulated, it's not an excuse. The saying that excuses are an easy way out, is a lie. My excuse has dragged me through pain for months. It's not right to call what I went through an excuse. The day you're lied to about someone having cancer, doing things against your will, and manipulating you, you'll feel the pain I had: excruciating pain. It's not an excuse but a reason, a valid one. 

The person I'm with now is a sweet loving guy, who loves me for just the way I am. Although, I do think I need to lose a few pounds. I wouldn't change him in any way either because I love him just the way he is. He's almost too perfect for me but he treats me in a way that makes me feel like the luckiest girl on earth. So, I'd say that we do have something special and I can't wait to see where it brings us.