Illusions

Not Again.

I don't understand how I could do this to myself over and over again. Myself out of all people. You're supposed to look out for yourself, because if you don't, who will?

Relapse. It's no fun.

You put all this time and effort in stopping; you spend days, months, years and bam! You're back to square one.

I stared at the white bland walls in front of me. I was seated on the hospital type bed, bored out of my mind. At least I didn't have a roommate. Last time, my roommate was insane. Now, I'm not insane. Not at all. I'm just sad. I just don't like holding the sad in.

I tried to shut my brain off, so I could go to sleep. Sleep was a friend.

*****

Tomorrow I met her. I was just walking out of Dr. Betchards office ,after our meeting ended, when I saw her. I don't know how to describe the moment without sounding like a cliché lovesick weak man. She was beautiful. She was wearing a casual summer dress and black, thick rimmed glasses. I never thought I'd like a girl in thick rimmed glasses, before. She was lovely.

"What are you staring at?" Her words knocked me out of my gaze.

"I uh," I stuttered.

She smiled. "What's your name?"

"Matt"

"I'm Alice. This place blows doesn't it?"

I could only nod. She walked past me into Dr. Betchard's office. I couldn't stop thinking about her. How could she smile like that? I kind of became... obsessed with her that night. She was perfect and exactly what I needed. I always said I needed someone to save me. That someone must be her. The next morning during breakfast I felt a tray slam down next to me as Alice sat down.

"Hello," I said being brave.

"Do you think I'm selfish?" she asked clearly upset over something.

"Um, well I don't really know you," I muttered.

"That's what Doc said. She said I need to listen to others more. That's bull."

"Total bull," I added.

"Right! Anyways, how are you?"

"I'm fine."

She rolled her eyes.

"I'm fine," she mimicked.

"Tell the truth, idiot," she continued when she saw my blank stare.

"I hate this place and I hate myself. There, is that better?"

She smiled, "It's wonderful."

The whole breakfast she kept babbling on about the silliest things. By one point she started ranting about Raisin Bran. Seriously. But I listened to every word. I thought she was so amazing and so thoughtful. She was everything I wanted.

She was everything I couldn't have.  

*****

The next couple weeks we started getting really close. Doc said I was getting better. All thanks to Alice. We still weren't too close, however. I still didn't know why she was here. She seemed too perfect. A little messed up, but aren't we all? As I was wondering over her as I normally did, I heard a knock on my door. It was her.

"You're not supposed to be in here," I whispered.

"Matt," she said her voice broken. I didn't understand; Alice never cried. She put her arms around me and cried the whole night.

*****

I was getting out in a week. I couldn't believe it. I'd be more ecstatic if Alice was coming. She said she'd be out in no time, but I didn't know what that meant. I was also scared of not making it. It was too much sometimes, but she gave me hope.

"Matty?" she said as we were eating together at breakfast.

"Yes?" I said with a smile.

"Do you think I'm useless?" she asked. I couldn't believe she'd ask that.

"Did Doc say something again?" I asked worried she was upset like the first time we ate breakfast together. She shook her head.

"It's just; I'm such a burden you know? I can't do anything ri-," she started babbling again but I cut her off.

"No you're not, Alice, you're amazing."

"That's not what I meant."

"Don't worry about stuff like this, you're," I started reassuring her, but this time she cut me off.

"NO!"

I stared at her, worried.

"I am done with this Matt! You're not listening! You're too preoccupied thinking about how I can help you that you never think that I might need some help."

I stared at her blankly. She let out a yell and threw her tray on the floor.

"I can't believe Doc called me selfish," she said barking out a humorless laugh.

"Alice," I started unsure of what to say next. I didn't have to think too long, because one of the nurses came and dragged her away.

The encounter made me very confused. I kept replaying it in my mind, trying to see what I did wrong. Yet each time the scene played out differently in my head, and after a while I got even more confused.

We didn't talk for five whole days.

The day before my departure I was planning on talking to Alice again, yet her room was empty. I sighed and went to my meeting with Dr. Betchards.

"You look occupied, Matt," she said after I spaced out and didn't hear a couple questions she asked me.

"Do you know where Alice is?" I asked. Suddenly, her face changed.

"Right, Matt I'm going to need you to be strong, alright?"

I nodded.

"Alice is no longer with us."

"You mean she got out?"

"No Matt, I mean Alice took her life yesterday," she said looking very nervous. I just stared at her.

"What?"

"It's perfectly normal that you're finding this tough to accept. In fact 60% of," she continued rambling on, but I wasn't paying attention.

I was thinking of Alice.

Surprisingly, I wasn't sad. I felt numb.

I always saw Alice as invincible. I always saw her as someone to look up to, and someone to save me. I realized that she needed saving as well. We all do. Maybe if I hadn't romanticized her, maybe if I paid attention, I could've saved her.

I now realize that no one can save anyone. We must save ourselves, and inspire others to save themselves. No one knows the things running through your mind, nagging you, except for you.  

For this, I'm forever grateful to Alice.

~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed it! This was originally a school assignment, but I thought I'd post it here (: 

Would love some comments! :D