Something Real [Nygmobblepot]

Chapter Three

"Missing you comes in waves,
tonight I'm drowning."

Ed's POV

I feel like a failure. I've come to realize I'm actually very bad at all kinds of relationships even though I've always thought otherwise. I don't understand people, I don't know how to work with them and I don't get how some people make relationships and friendships seem so carefree and easy.

I'm unable to cheer up my best friend who's obviously struggling with something and every time I try he looks at me like I've gone mad. Is it so unlike me to care or doesn't he realize I'm doing it all for him? I'm trying to help him without pushing him into telling me what's on his mind but maybe I should push. Maybe I should force him to say what's wrong and what can I do to fix it or at least help it. Frankly, after being close for couple years now I'd expect him to be able to just confront me with his problems, he has never been this private before. Then again, maybe it's just me again. Maybe there's nothing wrong with him, maybe I'm once again reading people all wrong.

Or maybe you like the idea of him needing you because you're in l- Shut up.

I care about Oswald like friends do and that's why I'm worried about him. That's all. To suggest I'm in love with him is so far from the truth. He's the closest person I have because he's my best friend, that's why I care for him strongly but I am not pathetic enough to pine after my best friend. Not to mention I don't fall in love. It sounds messy and uncontrollable, why would relationships have to be like that? What's wrong with a good, stable relationship with logical decision making? Why would all of us need some sort of an overwhelming love that makes your heart ache? It's not a thing.

Or maybe I really am a failure at this department in my life. My own girlfriend seems to believe in love like that. She says it was love at first sight when she met me but that seems highly unrealistic. There are people who seem attractive to you, from their physical appereance to their mannerisms and level of intelligence, whatever draws you in, but you do not fall in love with someone from looking at them. You fall in love with people, not first appearances. You fall in love with spending time with them, you fall in love with the way they make you feel, you fall in love with their mind, their heart, their soul and their body. It's far more complex than some animalistic way that's only physical attraction or some fairytale way that doesn't actually exist. You fall in love with their flaws and bad days and failures and that doesn't happen from just laying your eyes on someone. But to know them.. and still love them, that's real.

I sigh. I hate thinking about this and yet I torture myself with it. I'm being a bad friend and I'm letting my girlfriend down and it's all because I can't make myself understand people and lately I've noticed I can't make myself understand myself. How can I do anything but let everyone down if I'm constantly fighting myself?

I just wish.. I wish... I look down at my wine glass as I wait for her to arrive. I wish I could be that happy... I think I used to be.