the dream team

i'm sorry

dear elizabeth,

there's so many things that i wish i could say to you.

i know you probably hate me, and i know that i hurt you beyond compare and i really wish i could go back in time and change it, but i can't. i need you to understand that you were the best thing in my life for so fucking long and i love you so much. i never had the courage to tell you- i've always been a coward like that, but you need to know that you never did anything wrong. you perfect and amazing and i was so afraid that you didn't feel the same way that i chose to run. i wish i never ran from you. i wish i had the courage to be the man that you deserved, but i'm not and i don't know if i ever will be.

i remember the first day i knew i loved you, i wasn't even around you- in fact, i was with grayson. i remember sitting in his room, eyes trained on the floor, mind racing with everything about you. i had been so confused, so scared, and i didn't know how to handle the fact that i had the strongest feelings i had ever felt for my best friend of eight years.

grayson sat down on his bed and tossed me a soda, and i looked to see him looking down at his phone in pure happiness. i knew it was rhea, talking to her was the only time his eyes ever lit up like that, and it compelled me to blurt out the stupidest shit i ever asked him. "how do you know when you're in love?"

he looked at me in surprise, the his eyes fell back onto his phone screen and his lips turned up in a smile. he told me, still looking at his phone, "being in love hurts. in good ways and bad ways. when you'e in love with someone, your heart feels so full when you're around them that it could burst. being away from them, even for a little while, suddenly feels dull. they put colors into your life you never knew existed and it makes you feel like a piece if you is missing when they're away. being love isn't wanting to change for them, but realizing parts of yourself you didn't know were there and wanting to change for yourself. being in love is growth. it's pain and bliss all at once, and it makes you come to the conclusion that you never want there to be apart of your life where that person isn't in it."

and i swear to you, with every word, with every breathe, every thing he said hit me straight in the gut. i knew i loved you then. and i knew that i never wanted there to be a time where you weren't around. i stayed up for hours thinking about you at night, racking my brain for every single way i could tell you how i felt, but they all felt inferior to what you actually deserved. then next thing i know, you're telling me you're moving across the country and leaving everything in seattle behind and i had never experienced a greater pain than the one that shot through me when you said that.

it felt like someone had ripped my heart clean out my chest. you were leaving; the girl i was hopelessly, foolishly, completely in love with was leaving me and i didn't know how to deal with any of the crushing feelings that came with that fact.

you moved to new york for fucks sake, belle. how could i possibly compete with all the cool city kids that you would meet? with all the artsy girls you'd encounter? with all the nice haired boys with good music tastes that you'd encounter? i couldn't, and i knew that. i didn't want to be the one that tied you down to washington, not when you deserved to soar so high somewhere new. i couldn't take that away from you. i wouldn't.

so i swallowed my feelings, as painful as it was and cracked a smile. i joked about how if you ever forgot about us that i wouldn't know how to live with myself, and you laughed and promised you wouldn't. i always wondered how you'd react if you'd known back then that i wasn't kidding.

the day you left, standing you up was the last thing i had on my mind. i swear to you. i had gotten out of bed, taken a shower, gotten dressed and unlocked my car door. as i slid into the drivers seat though, i fell apart. my agony and bottled up emotions overpowered me, and all i could do in that moment was scream and cry and punch the living hell out of my steering wheel. and every text, every call going straight to voicemail from all our friends, and from you, just made my heart break more and more.

i mean, how was i supposed to face you? to watch you walk away from me? our friendship? the chance we ever had to be something more? it hurt too much, and i just couldn't bring myself to leave my driveway.

i'm sorry i never wrote, i'm sorry i never called. it's been two fucking years and i've just now mustered up the courage to send you this, the songs, this letter-- and i understand if you don't want them. i understand if you've forgotten about me, and i understand if you've moved on. i just needed to say all of this, i needed to tell you everything, and to explain.

i needed you to know that i still love you. and i always will.

i hope you can forgive me one day and i hope this helps you understand that none of what happened was ever your fault. i love you, elizabeth adams, and there will never be a day where i don't. i hope you're doing well, because all i ever wanted for you was to be happy. even if it was never with me.

love,

aaron.