seven stages of grief ; ethan. d

chapter four ; guilt

   "Ethan?" i heard Grayson call, "are you awake?"

i ignored and covered my head with the blankets and closed my eyes tightly.

"Ethan you have to get up" he said knocking on my bedroom door, "you have an appointment with the psychiatrist today"

"fuck that" i groaned

"Ethan" he took a deep breath, "you're becoming seriously unhealthy"

"Jesus Christ" i hit the pillow, "get out of my fucking room"

"only if you get up and get ready"

"fine!" i shouted while i sat up in the bed

he smiled hesitantly and walked out, closing the door behind him.

   i walked into her office with Grayson.

i starred out the window as he began to tell her my story and why i was here. everything seemed so surreal. she was okay one moment and gone the next.

"Ethan?" a kind voice spoke, "we are going to begin our session. would you like your brother to stay?"

i shook my head no.

"okay bro, i'll see you in an hour" he smiled and then thanked the psychiatrist.

"so Ethan, you have quite the story" she looks at me, "would you like to describe how you feel about the whole situation?"

"i feel like all of this shit is my fault"

"why do you feel that way?"

"if i had been awake that morning and drove her to work, she wouldn't of gotten killed. she wouldn't be fucking dead" a tear slid down my cheek

"you can't blame this incident on yourself Ethan"

"you know it's true. Grayson knows it's true. my family knows it's true" i sighed, "she was the love of my life. she meant absolutely everything to me. we have been together for 6 years. i should've treated her better. kissed her longer. laughed at her jokes more. said i love you more. hugged her tighter. because then maybe, she would still be here" i starred down at my feet as tears flowed from my eyes, "i deserve this pain. this is my sign from God that i did this and this is my fault"