Getting My Answers

Rough Seas

My head was pounding. My body ached and my throat was dry. The driest desert had more moisture than my throat did at this very moment. I opened my eyes and was pleased to see that he left.
Did he think he could just come back and everything would be fine? He left me with a note and I hoped he got mine. I was quiet. I barely spoke, even to the staff. I didn't want to know anything about where he was or what he was doing. I needed to focus on me. For now, I was gonna crawl back into my shell and stay there. At least in here no one would leave me. I was in the hospital for three days before they let me go home.  I got up and got dressed. My clothes were too big for me. My hips jutted out and my ribs were visible. This was my new body. This was me. This was what he did to me. My shirt draped over my shoulders like a burlap sack, it had no form to me and my jeans didn't touch my navel. It touched each hip bone and then didn't touch skin until it got to the other side. I had lost a wee bit of weight, but it wasn't anything I couldn't gain back if I wanted to. I signed my discharge papers and walked out of the hospital. The sun burnt my eyes and the breeze tingled my skin. I headed towards the stop sign and turned right. I didn't care that I left him in the waiting room. He had left me with a few words and no reasoning behind it. It was at least nine miles to his house. I didn't care. I just began walking.

Once I was at the house, I made me a small plate of veggies and fruit. I ate it slowly, not wanting to overload my self.
I heard the door open as he walked in. I got up and went to my room. I didn't want to see him at all right now. I close the door and sat on my bed. One by one I ate my grapes and raspberries. After they were gone, I ate my celery and broccoli. I'd get my strength up and my body back in time. I took my plate to the kitchen, washed it, and set it in the strainer. When he went to bed I'd go take a shower.

Many hours later I heard the door to his room click shut. I grabbed a change of clothes and closed the bathroom door behind me. I stripped down to nothing and saw my body in full view. I looked sick. I turned the shower knobs and stepped in. The water felt amazing against my skin. I washed my hair and body gently. After I got out I towel dried my hair and slid on my clothes. I hung up the towel and walked out of the bathroom and right into Dimitri's chest.
"Sorry." I mumbled. I felt nothing when we touched. No spark. No fire. No need for him.
"Roza, I.." I cut him off by holding up a hand. I didn't want to hear any excuses from him, not until I was ready. I moved into the living room and out to the beach again. The last place we both were before we fought. I would keep things to myself now, hold them inside of me. I looked out into the water and listened to the waves. They no longer relaxed me, but they made me listen for his steps on the brick. The sky was dark and the stars were hidden behind a thin layer of clouds. I didn't want to forget his touch, his lips, or anything about him, but I wasn't prepared to forgive him this early.

I walked inside and looked in his doorway. He was laying in bed, looking up at the ceiling.  When he looked at me and sat up, I walked to the kitchen. I needed to eat something. I grabbed a package of instant chicken noodles and dropped them in a bowl with some water. I set it in the microwave for five minutes and then added the seasoning packet to them. I gently stirred them around and pulled some noodles out of the broth with my fork. Steam rolled off of the thin pasta and disappeared in to the air. I had flashbacks of Dimitri and I eating these and then laughing at the noodles stuck to his chin.  I thought more about him than I wanted to. I ate my noodles and then did something I'd never do in a million years, or so I thought. I walked into his bedroom and sat in the closest corner by the door in case I needed to leave. He rolled over and notice me then. He didn't say anything. He just looked. I could tell  that he felt bad, and he should, but I still couldn't help but be angry with him. I looked down at my hands and only his words caught my attention.
"I thought you were dead." He spoke.
"You couldn't get that lucky." I replied.
"You aren't stupid and neither are your dreams." He admitted, sitting up.
"To you they are and that hurts more than anything. We are supposed to be a team. You can't leave when you hear something you don't like." I spat.
"You're right." He replied, standing up. I wanted to move. I wanted to run, but I didn't. "I am so beyond sorry and I know that it doesn't fix anything I've done, I know that. I just needed to tell you. Nothing scared me more than seeing you like that today." I looked up at him. I stood up slowly and smacked him across the cheek. After I saw the expression on his face, I began to sob uncontrollably. I was going to fall to the floor, but I fell against his body instead. I tried to stand up and walk to my room, but his arms wrapped around me and held me to him.

I did miss this contact, but was I ready for it? It had been a little over a month, no touching, no sex, no kisses. This all felt so new.
"I trusted you and you turned on me." I cried.
"And nothing has hurt me more." He said, before kissing my hair. I wiped my tears and quietly walked away. I could tell that the sexual tension was getting thick between us and it made me, both nervous and happy. There still was something there, but did I want it? I crawled in my bed, only to think about him. I felt myself longing for the contact. I laid there, wide awake, starting at the ceiling. I grew tired of waiting. I did need him, but would he want me back? Only one way to find out I suppose. I got up and quietly walked to his room. He was laying there, staring as I had been. He didn't move when I knelt beside him. I looked over his half naked body and watched his torso rise and fall with each breath. I slowly stuck out my hand to touch his side. He never moved or flinched. He was a statue.

I ran my hand up onto his abdomen and felt each muscle under my touch. His breathing picked up slightly,as did mine. I ran my hand over to the other side of his body,which had my face dangerously close to his chest. I figured why not go for it. I placed a tiny kiss on his chest and that's when he moved. He had grabbed around my upper thighs, laid me on the bed, and was on top of me in a second.

All I could do was look at him and he looked at me. He grabbed each one of my hands and intertwined our fingers, setting them above my head. He kissed me then, softly at first, and then more passionately. He broke away after a few kisses and set his forehead on mine.
"This feels so new." I whispered into the space between us.
"I don't want to push you too far if you aren't ready." He whispered back. After the kisses and the touching, I can't say I wasn't turned on because I was. I summoned some sort of strength and spoke again.
"Push me." My eyes never left his as the words left my lips. His face showed concern and I worried if I was jumping the gun. Embarrassment covered my body in a light shade of red. Crap. I wiggled my way out from underneath him and slid off the bed. It was too soon for him. I could see it in his eyes. I was out in the hallway when I hoped he was going to come after me, but he didn't. He stayed put. I grabbed me a snack and then went to take a shower. This was hard. How could I still want someone after all the hell he put me through? I already knew the answer. Love. I loved this man with my entire being. If it kept him with me for life, I'd give up on the thought of marriage. I'd give up on kids, if it meant that wee were together and happy. I grabbed a pair of jeans and my grey long sleeved shirt. I looked at my body in the mirror again. These bones that defined themselves through the skin made me turn away from my reflection.
"In time." I spoke. "In time."

After I was dressed, I brushed through my hair and brushed my teeth too. I pulled my hair up into a bun that rested on top of my head. I grabbed a book from the shelf in my room, a blanket from the couch, and made my way to the cot on the patio. It was a nice fall like day. The breeze was cool and the sun was bright. The ocean looked simply majestic in all of its glory. The sun's light danced around on top of the water, creating little sparkles here and there. I opened my boom when his voice interrupted me.
"I'm heading into town to get some groceries. Would you like to come with me?" He asked. I thought about this.
"Sure, let me slide on some socks and get my shoes." I said, putting my book down and turning to face him. He held out a bundle of socks and my favorite grey shoes. I took them from him gently and gave him a peck on the cheek.
"Thank you, Dimitri." I brushed passed him and move to the couch. I put on my socks and my shoes and grabbed a quick drink of water.
"Ready?" He asked.
"Yeah." I have a quick smile. He smiled back at me. He could tell I was trying to fix the gap between us.