Getting My Answers

Givng Him Space

The beach was nice. The sun was warm and the water wasn't horribly cold. I sat and thought. I was gonna give Dimitri space. I didn't know what was happening with him, but I didn't want to push him. I went inside and prepared breakfast for both of us but left his on the table. I ate and then sat back out on the beach. I felt horrible that he had to see me beaten by a woman that wanted him so bad she was prepared to kill. I looked at the scars on my arms and hands and wondered if he even found me attractive anymore. I was marked and scarred all over. Maybe that's why he didn't want me to touch him, because he's seen what she did to me. I didn't know. I was confused, but mostly hurt. I figured space is the best policy right now. I checked my phone and saw that it was now 1:34pm. I wasn't hungry, but I needed to eat something and I'd make enough for two. His breakfast still sat untouched at the table. I made me a sandwich and set one beside his breakfast. I went back out to the beach once more. The next time I'd go inside was when I was ready for bed. As the sun set and the water grew dark, I began to get a slight chill. I still wanted to give him space even though he's never even came to look for me. It hurt me on a deeper level than that though. I felt as though he didn't want me anymore. At that thought I did cry. What would I do if I didn't have him? Is that what he really feels though? Even if it wasn't it was how he was acting. He was pushing me away. The sky was black now and my chill got a little worse, but I still refused to go in. I felt as if it wasn't my place anymore.

When I finally got too cold I stay outside I went in and looked around. I checked the whole house and he was gone. His breakfast and lunch were still sitting there on the table. I tossed them into the trash and did the dishes. I cleaned up the house and then changed into my shorts and simple T-shirt and crawled into the cold, lonely bed. A few tears ran down my face and onto the pillow. I tried to push everything from my head and sleep, but I couldn't from here. I made the bed up again and went to sleep on the patio outside. I climbed into the cot and wrapped my arms around myself to keep warm. My stomach was in knots and my mind was still reeling. I must have eventually fallen asleep but it was short lived. I walked inside to get a drink of water and saw him sitting on the couch. I got my drink silently and walked passed him. I have him a smile and he just stared at me. I opened the sliding door, locked it, and shut myself out. If he wanted to be alone he would be. I got in the cot and cried so hard, but yet so quiet because I didn't want him to have to worry about me. I covered my mouth and felt the warm tears run from my eyes. I felt my heart break into a million pieces. The man that tells me he loves me won't let me touch him, but yet tells me he loves me. To me actions speak louder than words and his actions were telling me to get away. The cool breeze blew and I moved down to the water. I sat down onto the damp sand and listened to the waves. It was relaxing to an extent. All I knew was that I was the outsider. I felt alone and confused. I hugged my knees to my chest and closed my eyes. I didn't want to move. I didn't want him to have to come check on my for nothing, but yet I did. The fact that I loved him so much makes this feel worse. I heard the door slide open, but I didn't hear any footprints in the sand or on the patio. The door slid shut again and out of curiosity I turned around. He was sitting right outside the door, but didn't come any closer. I couldn't take this anymore.
"I don't know what is wrong with you, but you've avoided me all day. I made you food and you didn't even touch it. I not know what I did to you but you're pushing me away and I don't know how long I can let you do that before I walk away." I said turning and walking down the beach.

" I'm not pushing you away." He called after me.

"Really?! What do you call avoiding someone you claim to love and pushing their hands off of you? I sure don't call that love, Dimitri. I don't know if it's these ugly ass scars all over me or if I'm not good enough for you anymore or what I did for you to hate me ...." I cried. I felt like an idiot for crying in front of him. I couldn't even finish what I was saying.
" I don't know what to tell you, Roza." He said looking me in the eye. Oh my god. He was giving up. On me. On us. I walked back up the beach and walked into the house. I grabbed a grocery bag and filled it with some clothes.
" I don't care anymore or maybe I care too much, but toss my clothes or burn them I don't care. I don't know what else I can do to show you how much I care."