Black Plant

"This letter might come as a surprise. I'm not even sure if I should be writing it right now. It's just that I can't get my brain to shut up. My heart beating along its rhythm. I get it, we can't be together, but can we be apart? Wouldn't it be a lie to say that we don't rely on one another?

Remember? It was just last year, we sat together you with your bourbon which gets to your head way to fast and me with my boring old Gin Tonic. Admit it, you love the taste of it dripping from my lips. Thinking of it I almost taste them mixed in my mouth. Back then I never thought I would be in such agony being away from you. It seemed absurd. Here I am now, drinking your Bulleit, wishing it would get to me the same way. Maybe I'm going crazy when I close my eyes, seeing you next to me. Your cheeks flushed, from the alcohol and the shyness you try to hide. Wasn't it the first time we collided?

I'm in a real dilemma here. I know for a fact that I am in, way too deep, on the idea to be with you. I can't sleep, yet it seems nearly impossible to keep my eyes open. Whenever the tiredness overpowers me, pulling on my sleepy heart, dragging it deep into the darkness of nowhere it's almost as I can feel your tender lips ghosting over mine, your warm body radiating on my back, just before your arms capture me in a tight grip. You won't let go, do you? I feel you pulling me closer, wrapping me into the feeling of being carved in stone. Am I spiralling out of control? Your image manifests before my eyes, your breath hovering in the air to make me wheeze from excitement. I wish that this night never ended.

I knew from the beginning that there would be an end. I was in fear for the moment it would arrive. The thought of you being so far away made me feel sick. It wasn't the gin fogging my mind, it was my feelings for you that made me fall for the image of you right beside me. The lag of your presents yet again makes me drunk of love and loneliness. Every night I burn of heartbreak, the only way to endure being your voice still echoing in my head, bittersweet and far away. Is our story coursed with a bad ending?

I feel like I tried to deny it for too long, so much so, that now find myself wondering where I went wrong. Seeing you off was like sending my heart on a trip I couldn't effort. Seeing you bite your lip made me almost trip over my jumping heart. It was on the tip of my tongue and all I had to do was open my mouth. But as if you knew you just changed my life with a wave of your hand, telling me 'goodbye'.

Does it make sense to you? You meet me night after night, telling me you need me, want me, just to leave me again? It's not fair, the sweet agony, that overflows my eyes when the sun kisses them 'Good morning'. I don't know how to get away from it anymore, maybe I don't even want to. I just want to get sucked in deeper and deeper, until I finally meet you again, in the back of your head. Becoming part of your daydream, your own little world you love to escape to so much, that doesn't sound half bad to me.

I know that once this letter reaches you there won't be a way back for us. There won't be a casual day of you and me hanging out by the pool, fooling around. No skinny dipping in the sea at night. Maybe all that will be left is running from the reality of losing my best friend. I know that I won't be able to forgive myself for driving you away, but I hope you will someday. No one will ever know, no one will ever see, how close we were or how far we got. That's a good thing right?

I'm sorry for spoiling this, I just can't go on this way and so maybe it's better to just turn around and leave before it's you being hurt in the end.

All I want you to know is that

I love you, my little diamond.

X, Miles"

As Alex slowly drags his eyes from the wet piece of paper his heart races. It had been raining all day and an uneasy feeling had settled in his stomach, but he couldn't quite figure out its nature.

Breathing got hard for him, feeling stupid that he was so blind all that time. He had left Miles behind, not to punish him, not because he didn't care for him, but to escape his own feelings for his best friend. Now all these feelings come back to him, crushing his heart slowly as it gets heavier.

Before he even knows it, his body straightens from the settee, his hand grabbing a jacket before he storms out of his flat. He doesn't feel the time pass, the way to the airport, the flight or the pretty stewardesses, making the eyes at him. It all seems like a dream, everything around him is fuzzy and surreal until he hears the doorbell ringing. He himself had pushed the button, signalising his arrival at Miles' place.

Full of anticipation he waits for the door to open, suddenly feeling clearer than the past months. However there is no movement, the door remains shut. Alex is about to turn around as he suddenly hears a muffled voice from the other side of the wooden barrier.

He gets the feeling that something is wrong, he feels connected to Miles, from the moment they first met. And right now, he this feeling is telling him that something is off. Without a second thought, he backs up a few steps, just to draw himself against the door. After his first try a few other follow before it finally cracks and he stands in the entrance of his friend's apartment. He doesn't even have to look for the other man, Miles stands in the middle of the big living room, a bottle of "Bulleit" just about to roll across the floor, stopping at Alex's foot. Miles had dropped it, surprised by the sudden noise.

Alex immediately runs over to him, pulling him in a strong, longing embrace.

"I love you too!"