About Me

I'm sorry

 This is going to take awhile. 

 Dancer passed on October 6th, 2015. A month of medicine and endless leading, he finally passed away in my arms, on 12:30, October 6th. It took me a long time to get back from depression. All I did was lay in bed and cry until there was no tears left. I couldn't sleep, I would have nightmares of my darling boy. I was sleep derived and unhydrated. 

  Four months later I rescued a mustang from abuse and malnutrition. I thought I loved her. I thought she was perfect; my new everything. Damn wasn't I wrong. 

  Three months of nonstop training, running around the barrels for hours until I made her get up to a little bit of my standard. I worked her almost to death. Back, far deep into my mind, I wanted her to be Dancer. I was trying to revive his precious, golden soul in a wild mustang. His gentle, kind, and powerful soul couldn't fit into her small body. It didn't want to. 

  One day in August, I was riding her ad all of a sudden, she went haywire. She through me off and trampled over me; resulting in my back, broken. She unwillingly change my life, forever.

  I gave her away, and the rest of the year, I was broken. I didn't I broke my back, but what I did know, was that I missed Dancer and I ruined a beautiful, wild soul because she wasn't something that she couldn't be. She tried her hardest to fit into my standards. I was just blind and young, and smart aleck, and so much more. I was a failure; and I knew it. 

  I found out that my back was broken in March of 2017. I had a horse named Kyu. I ran her a lot like I did Layla; the wild mustang. But, I knew her limits. And I halfly respected them. I gave hr away in July of 2017 to the YMCA. I see her whenever I can. And she forgive of the things I've done. I love her, and I hate myself for giving her up.

  When school started, I went back to public school. And I met this girl named Shaynie. She became my best friend so quickly. We did everything together; we cried, we laughed, we snuck out, we drank, we smoked, we vaped, and we hurt ourselves. 

  I went into a mental hospital. I tried to kill myself. She kept me sane for four months. She knows everything about me, and she helped me through those two months in the hospital. I came back to school the next semester. We got into a lot of fights. And...one of them went a little to far. And now, we are unfortunately going different paths. I miss her, and I am hurting...a lot. She meant the entire universe to me. She was a big part of my life. But our friendship, wasn't meant to be. And no matter how much I want to disagree, I have to accept it. Just...give me some more time. To adjust to this new life. And I will be okay. I always am, aren't I?

 edit: I miss her so much...I just want my best friend back.

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  So now, this moment, I have this boyfriend. I've known him for half my life. And he makes me so unbelievably happy; it's insane. We've been dating for a month and a half. And it's been the best month and a half I've had. He lets me cry, scream, laugh, and smile. He sits there, and lets me get everything out. and after I'm done, he wraps his arms around me and hugs me tightly, saying "It's alright. You're okay."  

  He has filled most of the holes in my heart, since the day I met him. Remind me of thanking him for that. He has always been there, ya know? Even when I pushed him away, beat him up, hated him, when I started stupid, petty fights, and so much more. He has always had my back; even when I didn't have his. I own him my life, even though it's shitty, he deserves everything. I mean shit, I lost my best friend over him. He means a lot to me. And I mean, a lot.

  And right now, I'm crying over my keyboard and drowning my family out with music. Damn it you guys. I'm crying over my laptop's keyboard over my ex best friend and my boyfriend. I guess I just love too deeply. And I will accept that.