Fuck You - Bill Skarsgard

Four

"You got a cat." Bill stated, reaching out to rub the ears of the purring animal perched on the couch.

"Yeah."

"You have always been a dog person. What's his name?"

"Her name is..." I giggled at the thought of telling another person, it wasn't something I was used to, "...Lucifer."

"Your female cat is named Lucifer?"

"Lucy for short!"

Bill chuckled as Lucy rubbed her head against his large hand, continuing to purr loudly.

"She's kind of an asshole, I don't know, it seemed like a good fit."

"I think it is, and I think she likes me."

"Of course she does, everyone likes you, Bill."

He pulled his hand away from Lucy, unwilling to lose his attention she stretched out her paw to stop him, and shoved it into the pocket of his jeans. Bill looked as innocent and vulnerable as the day he was born. I wanted to give in and just hold him but I knew that I couldn't.

"I don't think you do."

"I'll be honest," I turned away from him and moved into the kitchen, "I do and I don't."

I grabbed a bottle of vodka and two shot glasses from the cabinet above the refrigerator and set them on the kitchen table.

"I'm going to need to liquid courage to really talk to you though. I'm not sure if you realize it, but you've fucked me up."

He stepped forward and, taking the bottle from my hands, filled both shot glasses to the rim with vodka.

"I'm sure that I did, but there are things I need to say to you too. These things are not ones that are easy to admit and I am going to need the alcohol probably just as much as you are."

"We'll see about that."

We grabbed our respective shot glasses and threw them back like they were water. No chaser was needed, it was obvious that we both had a lot to say.

Two shots later we were feeling warm, a little dizzy and ready to really get into it.

"Ladies first."

I tossed back another shot and slammed the glass on the table. I wasn't even sure I was ready to have this conversation with myself, let alone with Bill. Regardless, it was long overdue.

"It has been almost five years. We have been playing this ridiculous, back and forth bullshit for almost five years. You know that I love you, you probably know that I have loved you this entire time. I would say more, but honestly, I can't wait to hear what you have to say. I've said the main thing that I needed to, that I love you, and now I need to hear from you."

Bill downed a shot and ran a hand through his hair. I watched him bite his lip as he tried to think of how to word whatever he was feeling.

"Please don't lie to me, Bill, please don't lie. That is all I ask of you. Whatever you feel, tell me, don't spare my feelings."

I pleaded with him to just tell me the truth and I thought that for the first time, in a long time, I would finally know how he was actually feeling.

"The truth, the real truth is that I did fall in love with her, hopelessly fucking so. At the time, I was constantly filming and you were busy with work and we weren't seeing much of each other. I needed you, and for this I am not placing blame on you at all, but you weren't there. She was there, she was someone that I could rant to about my shitty day. She was someone that would bring me coffee and my favorite lunch. She was convenient and I fell hard."

I pinched the bridge of my nose and slammed my eyes shut, willing the tears not to fall. I had an idea that something like this had happened, but hearing it broke my heart all over again.

"I know," his voice faltered, "this has to be hard for you to hear, but you need to know."

"Can you just give me a minute?" I questioned, not bothering to let him answer and rushing into my bathroom.

I fell to the floor and emptied the contents of my stomach into the porcelain in front of me. I had always knew that Bill had fallen in love with someone else while we were together, but no dream scenarios could have prepared me for his confession.

He opened the door, which I had foolishly forgotten to lock, and slid down next to me. Bill wrapped his arms around me as I held onto the sides of the toilet, ready for the next wave of nausea.

"Initially," he continued, "things were great. That was until I saw the kind of person she was. I can't confirm that she loved me or not, because I still don't know. I do know that she was after fame, not my money, but the spotlight that being my partner gave her."

Bill rubbed my back and pressed a soft kiss to my shoulder, which made me feel a little happy and a little sick at the same time.

"I would contact you when I was lonely and needing someone that I could really fucking talk to. Was it right? No. Should I have done it? Probably not. I just needed to talk to someone that actually knew me, the actual me, not the fucking actor."

"Why did you go back to her multiple times?"

"I can't give you answer because I don't honestly know. It was probably because a relationship with her was, on the surface, easy. She was always willing to take me back and I didn't want to do the work of actually courting someone, so I stayed with her. It is shitty, I know, but it's the only almost answer I can give."

"You married someone out of convenience?"

He refused to meet my gaze and pulled away from me to cover his face with his hands. I knew Bill, I had known him for many years, and I knew that he hated showing any weakness. Yet, here he was, doing exactly that.

"Yes, I did."

I wanted so badly to rip into him for leading me on and using me only for emotional support for so long, but seeing his current state, I couldn't do it.

"I want the truth from you right now. What do you want from this meeting? From me?"

"Honestly, what I want from this meeting is you. I want you, in our bed, our bedroom, our apartment. That is what I want tonight. As far as you in general, I honestly don't fucking know."

There were nights I had assumed Bill was happily married that I touched myself thinking of him. There were nights that he had contacted me, telling he missed me, that I used my vibrator and happily came with his name falling off my lips. There were nights, before all of this bullshit, that we had spent together where he would leave me panting as I came down from my orgasm, his own following not far behind.

There were nights I had spent alone crying, missing him so much it physically hurt. There were also nights that I wanted to light him on fire. I hated him on these nights.

Tonight, I needed him, and I would have him until I got the satisfaction I had been longing for these past few years.