“Wait for me.” That’s the last thing he said. Everything flinched like a thunder strike. Last thing I remember, I heard loud cries and sobs. It was Chanyeol’s mom.
What made me more shaken is the boy who struggles between life and death while doctors and nurses try their best to revive him. The sound of the machine, their cries; I am deafened. All I can hear is my heartbeat that beats recklessly.
I froze. I don’t know how to react to this situation. I feel helpless.
“Time of death, 12:00AM” The doctor declared. He faced Chanyeol’s mom with, “죄송합니다. (I apologize) We did everything that we could. My deepest condolences to you and your family, Mrs. Park.”
Is this real or is this one of my nightmares?
I ask myself a hundred times if these were real. I defy the veracity of existence.
He’s gone. Chanyeol left me.
My tears were inevitable. They kept on falling as fast as the gleaming fireflies outside the window. I want to fight for him, for his mom, and for everyone who believes in him. If I gave up, who would stand for him?
I don’t like to give up yet.
“I TOLD YOU TO LOOK OUT FOR HIM, DIDN’T I?” I feel sorry for Chanyeol’s mom and I understand why she’s acting like this.
My mom told me to get out of the room for a moment.
Chanyeol’s mom is right. I’m the one who’s at fault in this matter. If only I didn’t take a nap, I should’ve saved him earlier. If only I didn’t believe that dream, none of this would’ve happened.
It’s been a while since Chanyeol’s mom calmed down. It’s been too hard for her to experience this kind of ordeals. I know she doesn’t deserve all of this. She was sitting beside the hospital bed where Chanyeol used to lie. I sat beside her.
“I dreamt of him last night.” I say. She doesn’t say a thing. “He said he loves you so much. He doesn’t want to be a burden anymore. He knows he’s the reason why you can’t sleep and take a rest well and he doesn’t like to see you like that.”
I’m trying to be strong, for him, for me, and for everyone else. If I start to cry at this moment, maybe I won’t continue what I’m supposed to say to her.
“He—he said you don’t need to worry about him anymore because he’ll be on a safe place and he’ll always be watching over us.” I can’t hold it back anymore. I cry.
“That kid, he’s really naughty.” She smiled as if she’s trying to hide her pain inside. “I remember he’s so eager to earn money because he said he’s going to give a gift to someone on his birthday. I asked him why he needs to give someone a gift than giving his own self a gift for his birthday. Do you know what he replied?” Long pause. She breathed heavily and said, “because Chanyeol said he already received a lot of gifts every day from the people he loves so it’s time for him to give back.”
I remembered when he said he received a lot of gifts every day. I thought it was something like a material or what. I was wrong.
“He promised me that he’ll wait for me.”
“He promised..” she echoed. “I dreamed of him last night, too. He was about to go. And he said he’ll go somewhere.”
“At the first thought, I never knew where he’ll go. I don’t understand him in the first place. The last thing he said is he’ll wait for me.”
“Baekhyun-sshi, I just want to apologize about yelling at you a while back. I just can’t accept what’s happening.” She says.
“I understand. We feel the same. If there’s someone at fault on this matter, that would probably me. If only I looked for him a little longer.. If only—“ I don’t have the chance to continue my words. She hugs me tight. I can feel her comfort, realizing I'm not the only one that has this kind of feeling. The feeling of losing someone who doesn’t even deserve to be lost.
“There’s no one at fault. Two days before he died, I knew he won’t wake up on the next few days. His condition gets more critical every single day. And as a mother, I have nothing to do with it. If only I could absorb all his pain he suffered, I’ll do it for him. You know what? I still cooked for him for his birthday though I knew he won’tbe present on his birthday anymore. You know why? Because I still believe in miracles.”
I still believe in miracles.
That sentence constantly echoes inside my head.
