Please Talk about Me When I'm Gone

An Impossibly Clean Place

(1997)

She opened her eyes and took in her surroundings. The tan and turquoise wallpaper, an innocuous, neutral design of flowers and trees. The curtains covering the window were yellow and annoyingly, almost unbearably bright. It was as though in the effort to project a tranquil atmosphere, they could disguise the fact that people were brought here against their will, or obliged by an infirmity that compelled medical attention or treatment that could not otherwise be administered.

But you couldn't fault them for trying.

How different it was compared to the old days! All white. So white it was disturbing-white sheets, white walls, white curtains, white tiled floor. Doctors and nurses, of course, dressed in white. Their white teeth grinning as you looked into the whites of their eyes as they assured you everything was fine. White, white, white. It was, of course, supposed to convey the security of cleanliness-an environment where ill health, germs, bad karma, anything unsavory would be overwhelmed and subdued. Nevertheless, it was no place to get well; that was for certain.

And yet, considering all this cultivated congeniality, she understood that the stripped-down, utter lack of pretension of the old hospital rooms possessed its own efficacy, the stark comfort of honesty. No promises were made, but the people were there to do a job. Dirty work in an impossibly clean place. It was so honorable, so meddlesome. So human. The business of battling death was not inherently beautiful, nor did it strive toward that aim. It was objective, without a tolerance-or need-for opinion or reaction.

...

She hears a voice and looks up to see a woman standing over her, frowning. She hears the woman clearly-a nurse-but the woman's tone indicates that she doesn't think her patient is able to understand what she said.

She opens her mouth and discovers she can't speak. She panics, thrashing around on the bed, attempting to lift herself. She gasps for air and tries to look up at the nurse, who seems to have disappeared.

Everything disappears, and then she herself is no longer there.