****COMPLETED*****Will I Ever Be Enough? (ryan sitkowski)

stress

Ryan's pov

"I need to tell you something "I said

Jj looked down and then back up at me 

"Okay"she said quietly and smiled sweetly.

"Jj I know that things can never happen between us again. I know you don't trust me. I'm really sorry for that....."I said.

"Ryan..."she began

"Jj let me finish. Please. "I said.

She looked at my sympathetically.

"But I need you in my life. I'm sorry for everything. I'll never not be sorry but you're the one thing in my life that makes me feel like it'll all be okay. And I don't want you to think I'm trying to guilt you into being friends with me. That's not what I want. "I continued.

"But Josh I need this. "I said picking up her hand and lacing my fingers with her.

"I know you're with Chris. I know you love him. I know you could care less about me right now. "

"But I need us. Not today. Not tomorrow. Maybe not even in ten years. I need us though. "I said.

She didn't let go of my hand.

She just stared at me. The same look she gave me the first time she saw me. A happy, warm and beautiful stare.

"Say something please. "I said

"I-" she began but then stopped and bit her lip.

Seconds seemed like hours.

"I want to believe you this time... I think "she said. "But if I do believe you. It can only be a friendship this time... I'm not going to promise you a relationship that I don't know will be there some day. But I can promise you my love and support as a friend. I can promise my heart and soul as friends. "She said.

Not exactly what I was hoping for but it's a start.

I let go of her hand and wiped my sweat on my jeans.

She placed her hand back on her knee.

"Okay. "I said weakly whilst clearing my throat.

"Okay?"She smiled.

That beautiful smile.

"Yeah. "I smiled back.

I'm in love with you!!!!! I'm so damn in love with you please just hold me and never let me go. I would marry you on spot if you asked me to. I would do anything you asked me to. God, I wish you'd just fall back in love with me right now. Please just look at me again and fall in love with me all over.

Stop thinking like that Ryan. A friendship is a start.

"So do you remember coming here???"I asked.

"Yeah. I do. We sat on the hood of this car and talked. You told me I had an eyebooger and then kissed me "she giggled and blushed.

That fucking laugh. It's so beautiful.

"We listened to turnover. I also told you about my first fist fight, and that I wanted to marry you after you told me your favorite band was the cult or turnover. " I laughed.

She giggled.

"I know it was a year ago. Well almost two now. But it feels like a lifetime ago doesn't it" she asked.

"Not for me" I mumbled.

She smirked a bit.

What the fuck are you doing to me Josh Jones.

"I loved you. You know that?"she said 

"I know."I said quietly.

"I mean I really loved you Ryan. With every ounce of my being. "She said 

"I know." I replied.

"Is it torture for me to say that to you? Cause it's torture to think about "she said.

"Sometimes. " I sighed "nobody ever let's me forget that I fucked up with you. Nobody ever let's it go that I left or that I didn't call back. "

"Nobody let's me forget that those things happened either. Sometimes I look at you and it goes away for a second. And sometimes it's me reminding myself. Maybe so i don't get hurt again. But other times it seems like everyone reminds me what you did  "she said quietly. Almost crying.

"When I walked away... did it even hurt?"I asked.

A tear rolled down her cheek. She wiped it quickly and laughed.

"Of course it did. The love of my life walked out the door and there was nothing that could ever make it better "she said.

The love of her what?

The love of her life.

Am I the fucking love of her life ?????

"Did it hurt you?"she asked.

"It never stopped"I said looking down.

"Jj. I know you said friendship. And I'll respect that. But I have to know for my own sanity. "I said before getting cut off.

Jj's phone started to ring.

"Hey.... yeah I'm okay..... Rick I'll tell you later..   why is he freaking out????.... yeah. I'm with ryan.... yes you can tell him I'm with Ryan.... if he freaks out then he can freak out... okay... okay. I love you too...  bye" she said before hanging up.

"What were you saying?"she smiled sweetly

"Do you still love me?"I asked

She looked at her nails and legs for a while before looking back up.

"I don't think I'll ever stop"she said with a tear rolling down her eye.

That killed me.

She still loves me. But she doesn't want me 

I wiped her tear away and pressed my forehead to hers.

"You are such a little shit"I whispered. We both laughed through bits of tears.

"I love you. I always will" I said kissing her forehead and then pulling away.

She sat for a moment. Staring at me.  Her chest falling and rising like she was in pain.

How can I soothe her pain when I was the one causing it?

She sighed once more before starting my car and driving back to Chris's house.

Someday I'll get her back. Someday she will love me again.