Kiss Me Not

Goodbye

Chapter 1

The hot summer sun is beating my back, with it's rays of warmth. Despite the light clothing and my vigilance to stay still, sweat keeps on dripping down my back. I sit beside the koi pond -in the same spot I sat for many years- where I had spent countless of hours sorting my thoughts and pondering about the purpose of every bad and good things that happened in my life. Here, my thoughts were uninterrupted until I was exhausted and my brain was about to explode, but this time, I have a different purpose in mind; I came to bid it adiue. Slowly I can feel my sanctuary slipping out of my grasp, but instead of fighting to hold on to it, I just let it go.

This is it, it's going to be okay, I convinced myself and threw away the last crumbs of fish food down pond. Heading down to the cobblestone path, I find myself cornered by familiar face, her big blue eyes swollen-from what I personally knew was from hours of crying- her face flushed and her short blond hair sticking out in every direction.

"Mel," I mutter in surprise, thinking that she is still in Tokyo.

"Are you honestly just going to disappear on us like that?" Mel asks bitterly, tears of sadness starts to spill down her cheeks. But still, she encloses me within her long skinny arms- her 5'9 stature lumbering over me. I will myself to stay still, taking in the warmth of her friendship. What am I supposed to tell her? I thought she's in some important business trip abroad, together with the rest of my friends and their tycoon parents. I once belonged there, but not anymore; I push the memory down to the darkness where it should stay untouch.

My attention is caught when Mel coughs violently. I unlatch myself out of her arms to survey her face with my own eyes. The warmth she's radiating was unnatural, her lips chapped up and a fever patch hiding underneath her short fringe. She is sick, and I have been just too oblivious to notice.

"I stayed home because I was sick, and to think that if I hadn't been, I wouldn't have know you were gone." She shakes her head, upset. "Why didn't you tell us?" Her pink lips curves down as her eyes like the stormy ocean searches me for a reasonable answer.

I look away in response, afraid those bright blue eyes might glimpse at what I am trying to hide inside.

But still, the surge of melancholia hit me again with more force than ever. The residual pain in my mind creeps down my chest again, making it feel heavy and hard to breathe. A lump starts to rise in my throat causing a paralyzing emotional pain that forces my jaws to clump, shut. Water starts to form in my eyes but I'm more adamant to keep them out of sight like I have been doing for a long time. As I fighting the angry tears, I remember the answer to her question.

I don't want to feel more sadness, that's what I want to say.

The feeling of losing something important to you and you can't do anything about it is the hardest to bear. I thought that without saying goodbye, it would make it feel less real, less painful perhaps. Being depressed for months, I learned the skill of lying to everyone's face, in the false pretense of moving on and being happy.

"Look, I thought you are heading to some important business so I didn't tell you, I was going to tell you when you come back." My voice taking a defensive tone.

"We could have bailed out for you."

"I know you would. But I wouldn't want that," seeing you like this is very painful enough, how would I been if you all had come together? I say to myself, discretely.

"I'm sorry, I didn't think it would be that big deal. I'd be moving just two towns over. It's not that far if you think about it." I continue nonchalantly, as if I'm not hurting.

"It's a two hour drive, we won't go to the same school anymore. We all have work after schools, " she whimpers before continuing as if the last part was the most unbearable thing she would ever experience "I wouldn't see you everyday."

"I know. You can call me whenever you want, we wouldn't be together much but I'll be there" I point to her heart and she starts crying again. It is my intention to make her laugh but it seemed to have the opposite effect. She starts crying like a little child, and I hold her in my small arms.

Despite her Amazonian stature and force, she has this certain softness within her, that loves small things that needs protection-which includes me. She's always misunderstood by many people but to me she's just this normal girl I love and grew up with. Mel continues crying until mom calls me to leave. Mom gives her a puzzled look when she saw her.

"I was sick so I couldn't go with them." She gives my mother a small smile as if to answer the unsaid question.

"Emily didn't tell you, did she?" my mother gives me a disappointed look.

"I think, I understand." She gives knowing smile as if the few moments we stood entangled together gives her the sense of what I am feeling. She isn't my best friend for nothing. I shake my head a gave her a parting smile.

"I'll miss you guys." She pouts, sadness within her eyes again.

"We'll miss you too," I give her a quick hug before getting on our old silver civic. This is the only car we could afford to keep; the engine roars to life and we move along. In the distant she waves at me, tears stream her eyes, yet again.

Our old house fades into the horizon as we drive forward. I feel my facade slowly slips away and my face contort into sadness.Tears start to fall and I look away, from the house I grew up in, and the friends I cherish the most. My mom doesn't spare me a look, she just keep driving, like she is just expecting this to happen. She knows that I don't need any comfort, and that I have been bearing this sadness on my own.

After a weeks of suffocating in my mind's own confine, everything I'm holding carefully together falls apart. I cry to my heart's content, until no tears came out anymore and the pain, and anger in my chest subsides.

I realized upon dad's untimely death the world is not as pretty. Losing him made me see how frail a person can be when ties are cut. Trauma of losing someone we loved the most makes many of us bitter. It leaves us with a gritty outlook about life. This also makes some people lose the ability to form more connections around them, afraid that one day we'll lose something again.

Many people say to 'move on,' and everything will be better. My answer to this question is 'how do I begin, when I feel so cheated about how my life is unfolding in front of me?' The phrase is easily said but simply difficult to act on.

People often say every event has a reason for happening and good things happen to good people, then why did a perfectly great person like my dad had to die?

It just doesn't make sense.