Playing Spies [l.t]

[1] I Love You

(Maya's pov)

"MAYA!" I hear my mom call from downstairs. I sigh, mumbling curse words under my breath. What did she want now? I close my laptop and walk downstairs. I go into the kitchen and see her there, looking furious. Great. She grabs me by the hair and brings me over to the sink.

"Does that look clean to you!?" She hisses, banging my head on the sink. I look and see Logan's plate. He must've put it in there after I cleaned it. Damn.

"Logan put it in there after I cleaned it." I croak. I shouldn't have said that. She throws me against the wall. My back was now burning with pain. I try to ignore it and show her that what she's doing to me doesn't faze me or hurt me in any way, but I couldn't.

"Oh, does it hurt?" She spits in my face. I shake my head, saying no. She walks over to the sink and grabs Logan's plate.

"Does it hurt now?" She asks menacingly and smashes the plate on my head. I groan and feel pain soar through my body. I feel weak. I feel worthless. I slump against the wall as I hear her foot steps walk away. I can't deal with this anymore. I can't just fake a smile anymore. I can't go around pretending everything was okay because it isn't! Everything is just crumbling at my feet and I'm just ignoring it saying: It will get better tomorrow. It will get better tomorrow my ass! I can't deal with this anymore. I always needed an escape. So I self-harmed. But all I did was give myself a reminder, every day, that my life was fucked up. Sure for a couple of minutes, not even minutes, seconds, I would feel pain on my wrist and actually forget about my internal pain. But soon it was washed away with shame and guilt. I'm ashamed that I would ever do such a thing to myself. But what was done, was done, and I can't take it back now. There are so many things I wish I could take back. My dad's death, is one. I quickly get up from the position I was in, quickly regretting it when I feel pain shoot through my body. I can't be reminded of that day. The day my life changed for the worst. I felt a lump rising in my throat but I just swallow it down and continue climbing up the stairs. I pass my mom's bedroom, then I pass my brother's room. I heard voices so I lean against the wall to hear.

"I love you mommy!" I hear Logan's innocent voice say.

"I love you too kiddo, you are the best thing that ever happened to me." I hear my mom say. I blink my eyes a couple times to stop my tears from flowing and walk into my room. I want, more than anything, to distract myself from what I was feeling at moment. Mom, after the accident, never told me she loves me. Instead, she said it was all my fault. And it was. If I had told him a little earlier that a car was coming, he would still be here. But I didn't. And now, he's gone. And the worst part is, I never said I love you.

•••

My alarm clock goes off at 5:30 in the morning, the only reason being was so I could jog down to the lake. I quickly slip on my spandex shorts and throw on a t-shirt. I walk downstairs to the kitchen to grab something to eat.

"What are you doing!? Put that granola bar down! You're going to be fat!

"You big, fat, ugly, little girl"

"Go starve yourself, you fat ass"

But then, decide against it. I open the door and start running. Running is what set me free. I feel alive while running. The wind whipping through my hair. Sweat trickling down my forehead. The tap of my feet. My ponytail swinging back and forth. These are the things that could distract me from what was really going on. The lake came into view, so I slow down to a stop. I sit on one of the benches and let myself catch my breath. I look around and see a man sitting on a bench. He appeared to be sleeping. Weird. I dig out my diary from my sweatshirt pocket and my pen from the other.

Dear Diary,

I feel so alone.

That's all I feel nowadays. I can't seem to be happy anymore. Ever since the accident, my life isn't the same anymore. I wish mom grieved differently, instead of drinking all day, then beating me up all night. It's become a routine, and I don't want it to be. There's also Logan. He is my pride and joy. I love him so much it hurts. I take care of him everyday but I feel guilty. Guilty that I don't tell him what's going on. Sure, he's only five, but I can't help feeling guilty. It's obviously nothing I want to get him involved in. And he wouldn't get involved anyways because mom actually loves him. Mom doesn't love easily. She doesn't even like easily. The only three things she loves is Logan, alcohol and aspirin. She used to love dad, but now he's gone. And I didn't even get to say I love you

I see a tear fall on my paper, so I quickly wipe my tears away.

That scar of hate towards myself is permanently stitched into my heart. I hate myself for not telling him I love you. He even told me he did in the car, but being the fool I was, I didn't say it back. Sometimes I get so mad, I feel like punching a wall but I realize it's hopeless, he's already gone.

"Why are you crying?" Startled, I close my black, leather bound, notebook and look in the direction where the voice was coming from.

"Why were you crying?" I see a man in front of me. Well he isn't really a man. He looks about my age or a little bit older.

"Oh, it's-it's nothing." I say wiping my tears.

"Bullshit." I hear him say. Who does he think he is?

"It's none of your business." I say coldly and start walking away.

"It could be." He says trailing after me.

"But it won't be, so please just leave me alone." I say, more annoyed that anything.

"Ok." He says nonchalantly "But if you need me, you know where to find me."

"Where would that be exactly?" I ask him curiously. A perfect stranger just asked me to come find him if I need help.

"Right here on this park bench." He says slapping the wooden bench. I nod and start to walk away.

"Wait." He calls out. I stop in my tracks and turn around.

"Yes?" I ask, now impatient.

"I never got your name."

"It's Maya." I tell him.

"Maya."

I nod.

"Well it was nice to meet you Maya."

I nod and start walking back home, hoping mom was still sleeping.

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I finally posted chapter 1! I don't like it as much as I should but whatever. It's 3 in the morning so I don't give a shit. I hope y'all enjoyed!

Peace my lovelies!