Things I Want To Tell Him But Won't

My Attempt To Love Again

It was the first day of a new semester. I was still in my dark haze before then. I didn't give a shit about anybody, I didn't want to care anymore because I was so done with everybody around me that were treating me like shit. But damn, when I walked into that door, last period of the day. You were sitting in that desk right by the door with your head down, I for some reason was curious as to why you were like that.

There was two seats next to you and the second one was taken up by an acquaintance that became a friend too later on. I took that last seat and sat down. You didn't sit up so I assumed you were asleep so I began to talk to the other guy sitting next to me and the girl that was sitting in front of us.

All of a sudden when we were talking about a certain subject you laughed and made a comment. We all looked at you. While the others looked away again, I still stared at you. You had sat up so I could see those beautiful blue eyes that were bloodshot from tiredness, skin pale, but still mesmerizing. Your long dark brown hair that was messed up from your nap. You had a leather jacket on and a black t-shirt and jeans which made it even better of course.

And that's when I spoke to you. I hardly spoke to anybody anymore, especially about empty things. But I also never opened up to anyone as much as I did to you. And you definitely opened up to me. We both were good for each other, but at the same time, the worst.

I wanted more time with you and as I got to know you better, it became worse. When all four of us got too loud for the teacher and she separated us. I got to stay with the other guy, but she moved you across the classroom. And that upset me. We weren't really loud honestly, we just did it often. I'd chuckle quietly and you would do something to make it worse. God, nobody could make me laugh as hard as you did.

When we had to do group projects we would get our band back together temporarily and it was always fun. Your laugh always made me so happy. It still does..

In spring is when a lot of things bloom or are born. The love I have for you definitely was born then. I didn't realize I love you until later on. I knew I wanted you to be my babe and I yours. It took me forever to admit it and I of course did it by message like a jackass.

I was at a friends house who didn't live far from you so I wanted you to come over or I would've gone over to you, but you always came up with the same excuse every time. So I snapped. I got angry and you didn't know why, so I told you. It's funny because while this was going on, another guy was messaging me saying he wanted to go on a date. I curved him and said I was dating somebody which was slightly true and that I would date him if it wasn't for my love for the one I'm dating. He understood.

But you? You understood my issues and I understood yours, but when you said you can't date anyone because you are still grieving, I still believed you led me on. You apologized saying if you had led me on then you were sorry. But you weren't. You were just lonely. And I kept letting you play me.

Remember the party? We bought the stuff for it and after we used it, your brother picked you up in your truck, which I had no idea it had no tags on it. As soon as I'm ready to sleep you message me to come get you. I slowly got ready before driving there as fast as I could. The fuzz had stopped you for the tags. And they luckily didn't get the smell of something else. When I got there, you and your brother were arguing.

He wanted to drive the truck as the cops switched shifts, even though they told you not to drive it home. You wanted to just get the ride from me. I begged your brother to agree because I didn't want you and him both to end up in jail. While your brother was jacking off outside the truck I had sat down in the truck, with the door left open. You leaned against it and grabbed your hair in frustration, which always turned me on for a weird reason.

I grabbed your hand and told you to chill out, that everything would be fine. You squeezed my hand and I got out of the truck and I hugged you before grabbing your hand again and we intertwined them as we walked back to your brother who was buzzed out. He finally agreed and I drove y'all home.

I wanted to keep holding your hand as we were driving but I was scared all of a sudden so I didn't. We got to your house fine. I left the car running and while your brother went inside we talked. You thanked me. I said it was fine and that I'd rather drive you home than driving to jail to get y'all out. You hugged me so tight and so long, my face was in your neck. I inhaled and exhaled deeply, relaxed like I was before he left the party. I struggled to stay awake but you told me to text you when I was back in shelter so I stayed awake enough so I could do so.

You said you didn't remember what happened the night before so all I told you was about your truck, none of the stuff in between. You apologized for no reason and I told you to let it go.

You never said you remembered all that, and now I wish I had mentioned it. You seemed annoyed when I told you about the guy hitting on me when we argued but I didn't push it. I was really only showing our other friends the convo because it was kind of funny.

The school year was about to end. I hated it here and I wanted to leave so I planned to go to my brothers in Maryland as I've said plenty of times to you. I wrote you a letter that confessed my love for you and that I was leaving and I put it in your mailbox. To this day I have no idea if you saw it.

It was towards July almost before I messaged you after a while. I apologized for the trouble I caused you, but you always took the blame, and I hated that.

The next time I tried to talk to you you didn't answer. I was confused. Did I upset you? Did I do something wrong?

All summer that went through my head. I never got to move in with my brother but I visited them. When we got back into school, on of our band members tried to get you to come to me even though I told him not to or I'd kill him. I don't know why he wanted to do that, other than maybe the fact his girlfriend dumped him because she didn't know what she wanted or whatever, so he thought he could get us to make up even though that was impossible.

I eventually tried to talk to you though I told you I wasn't the same person anymore, that I was fucked up a lot more. You insisted that we should and so I went to your house so we could talk while I drove around. And you then told me you had to babysit the kids since none of your brothers or sisters were home and it was you and your cousins girlfriend who I know a little bit. I was going to leave but my car decided to fail out. The battery died and you told me to lift the hood to look at it. Then you said you weren't a mechanic and I wanted to face palm so hard.

Luckily your sister showed up and she let me use her car so you could jump it off. God did I love being able to see you again. I watched your muscles work and everything before shaking my head and walking to inside my car to start it when ready.

I had to leave the car running to charge so I moved my car off the side of the road and into the driveway. I somehow ended up helping your brothers and you to unload a truck full of game store stuff. Your brother tried to sell me— I think a foosball table —and I declined. I had to leave soon after because I didn't want to stay and end up doing something stupid.

You walked me out, I thanked you for jumping the car after you thanked me for unloading the truck. I was getting ready to turn away but of course my mind didn't want to listen and stepped forward and hugged you. You immediately hugged back and it was weird again.

I was so confused. I still am. Because 4 months later and you are with a new girl, even though you said you couldn't date anyone. I was happy for you, that you were happy, but I'm still hurt.. my heart burdens too much crap. And now I'm stuck in the middle.

Do I give up, or do I attempt at love again?