I don't even know anymore how it's like to be happy .
How it's like to feel loved, pretty, enough and worth it.
Do you remember when you were walking feeling al pretty and great when there was a song on and you even felt more good and like everyone was watching you on a good way. How it feels to really see a point in living. I don't.
But i don't see why? Why would I live why would I try to be happy for what or why would I stop losing weight and just eat? I mean and then I eat normal and try to be happy what then ? I'n going to school have weekend eat sleep and repeat and that everyday so I have to take the only thing I have control about away.. for what for what would I let it go and just be happy so I can die some years later? And it al starts again over and over by other people? Like i just don't see the point ugh i can't even write what i mean and really wanna say.
But like on school I sit by the table feeling like shit. My "friends" are also by the table and talking someone ask
What lesson do you have?
And I answer the name and they don't look at me. They look at the other ones on the table like I'm invisible and don't say something back. My friend says what she have and they say something and look st her they want to walk with her to class. And me I'm just there al alone i say something no one reacts. I ask something no one cares . I try to be happy but Stil nothing . And then they say I'm annoying and I'm much more. It's always me I'm always wrong I'm always the stupid one I'm always the one who can't do that. And I'm not stupid my head just thinks on a other way than you're I just can't explain what I mean. And hel yeah I'm sorry for ruining you fucking life. I'm sorry that I'm Stil not over it after a year
I'm sorry that I'm Stil nog better after a week
I'm sorry for living .
You say I have to stay and not kill myself.
But then why do you keep giving me reasons to go.
And I see girls of my age doing it al great
They are pretty have nice clothes have nice hair and makeup. Some of them have good grades and they fall in love and get the boy they want they have much friends and everyone likes them.
People also tell me to just get a boyfriend or just this or just that. But the thing is
I'm in love I guess
I just miss someone but I'm never getting him back and yes it's killing me everyday everyday.
"Why just get over him and he's an stupid boy you just should get another one"
YOU DONT UNDERSTAND
It's like you're favourite teddy bear you have since you where little you can't have the same one again . He gave me hope to live you know a reason .
Bc you should get children together when you were older, buy a house Marry get a great job . Go on holidays play with the children . And you already told how many kids you wanted where you want to live and marry and I don't even know anymore what you already said .
But it's was a thing to hold on with bc It's a plan of us together how it wil go . So a reasons to keep fighting but now I lost my only sunshine i had sometimes. The boy that made me cry. The boy that made me smile the boy that made me dream about him al day and night . The boy who I knew loved me more than anything. The caring boy I had . And it's al gone . My hope my motivation my feature everything.
My friends don't care and have other friends now. I'm hurting my family al day I'm hurting my self.
I just can't anymore.
And with him I dreamed about the day.
That he just asked me to Mary and I would say yes in such a happy way with tears in my eyes. I would kiss him and tilt my best friend about it and we both wil scream of happy ness . We would marry and I would looked him in the eyes full of love with the important word saying YES I WANT he would smiled and said YES I WANT . And after a while I would tell my family i was pregnant and everyone would be so happy my friend also would be screaming again and I wil feel so loved and we wil be happy..
We would have a house with our own style and stuff. My belly would grow with a miracle in it a baby. And after some time it would be born, one beautiful girl on earth and later a boy and maybe a mother child .
He would do whatever job he would like to do and I also would. Our kids would go to school and make friends, learn and have fun. He would love me and I would love him and even in hard times we wil be there for each other . And he wil be Nice to my children and friends. He and our little boy would be playing outside and he wil teach him boy stuf and I wil be inside playing with the girls.
And yes of course you can't be always happy and this
is not how it has to go . But this what I was dreaming of and what would be a thing but now it is al lost.
But goodnight everyone
Ty for reading it
The reasons why I write this is actuality for My self I just want it to get out of my head.
