IT'S KILLING ME

GIRLS YOUR AGE

They say everyone has a purpose.

Around the age of 13, I really started thinking about what my purpose in life would be. Could it possibly be a divine purpose? Was I called to be someone who would leave a big impact on thousands? Or would my purpose be to only inspire those closest to me? Would I be remembered as a hero after my death? I didn't know the answers but I knew I wanted to be someone important, someone inspiring, someone great.

I had decided that I wanted to be a teacher.

About a year after that I entered high school. The beginning of freshmen year was probably the only time in my life that I felt optimistic and probably overly confident.

I'll be the funniest, smartest, and most popular girl here, I'd tell myself. I'll probable even have a boyfriend or a guy best friend by the end of the first semester and I'll have lots of friends, way more than I have now. I'll just simply be liked by everyone of course.

But life isn't that easy.

At the end of the first semester my plans on becoming a teacher were totally thrown into the trash and set on fire. Why would I want to be someone who gets disrespected by students all the time? Kids have no boundaries these days, they go from cussing at teachers because they get caught doing something bad to drawing the teachers naked. I don't wanna deal with that.

I was stupid as hell and barely put any attention to what the teachers taught. And all those dreams about being the funniest and most popular girl at school were the most stupid things that I have ever came up with. I didn't talk to absolutely anyone unless they talked to me first or if I was forced to talk to someone due to a partner activity. The only people I could talk to comfortably were my four best friends that have stuck with me since kindergarten. Scarlett, Genesis, Harper, and Penelope.

Out of all of us Scarlett had the most experience when it came to dating, she always seemed to attract a lot of guys, most of the time they were older guys, not extremely old of course, but older than we were.

She was a pretty thing. Shy, but say one wrong thing and she won't hesitate to stick a knife down your throat.

Genesis was the mama in our little group, she always tries to do the right thing. Key word, "tries"

She's just the sweetest person on this earth, even when people do her wrong, which sometimes bothers me, like no.....don't tell him to politely to leave you alone for the hundredth time....just punch him in the face.

But I'm thankful to have her, she always prevents us from doing dumb things and getting thrown in jail.

Then there's Harper, she's the hot head in our group. She likes to get in fights with people, especially boys. And she always sings the same lyrics to the same stupid song over and over again.

She was once best friends with the security guard at our school and I had a strong feeling that once she had turned 18, she would have dated him but she didn't, guess he was too old for her anyways.

And last but not least there was Penelope.

I think she was innocent before we ruined her, but she still stuck around at lunch when we would have conversations about what happens to girls when they lose their virginity and how many holes are in our body and which hole is for what purpose.

Both my friends and family made me happy but this happiness was temporary, there was a hole in my heart that brought me down all the time. I didn't know what the hell it was and I felt terrible for feeling this way, I have everything I need, a good home, a loving family, great friends. I should be perfectly fine, perfectly happy. But I'm not.

And I hate it.

By the end of my senior year in high school, I wanted to burn it down to the ground. I felt like it was a total waste of time. It was the same thing over and over again. But I ended up with really good grades, so at least that turned out well.

I had also made my final decision concerning my carrier, I was going to become a surgeon. I thought it'd be the perfect job. I get to wear a fancy white lab coat and I actually liked the smell of hospitals, although that's not one of the reasons I was going to become a surgeon.

The life of a surgeon would keep me busy, I would work hard for several hours and then come back home to sleep while winning good money and I wouldn't have to worry about making friends because it'd be work, work, work and work, and I'm sure there will be more people like me there.

But first it would take me many more years of learning, so off I went to college.