Coffee Hour: Questions, Answers, News, and Updates!

Let Me Explain

Before you start to read this, I would like to say that I am not doing this to draw a reaction out of you. This is me and the raw pain that I went through. I am sharing my story with you today to spread more awareness about Mental Illness, it is real and it does claim lives every day. 

If you are suffering from any type of mental illness, I just want to say keep fighting. You are stronger than you know, the fight will be hard and it will get tiring but at the end of the day, you are still here and that is what matters. 

Don't ever be afraid to ask for help if you need it, reaching out to my care team was the best choice I have ever made in my life. If you need to talk go ahead and message me, I will gladly listen to you. I know that when I started talking to people who listened, it helped me out so much because I knew I was no longer alone.

So without further ado, let's get into this. 

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I would like to take the time to explain what has happened with Flicker in the Night, why it is at a standstill as of right now. But get me wrong, getting Flicker in the Night publish is still a big goal for me, and I know many of you would love to see it published like I do. Today, you will find out why I have put it on hold and I hope you guys will understand.

Last year was a very hard year for me and not many really know how bad it was. I know I have mentioned in the past that I suffer from severe depression and anxiety, but I never went into how bad it the episodes were. At the beginning of last year my depression started to slowly take hold of my life, and as the year went on I slowly started to notice how I was losing myself. I was no longer having episodes every other day, I was depressed every day and suffering in silence because no one actively listened to me when I spoke out.

Every night I cried myself to sleep and every day I would pretend like it never happened. My depression came in many different forms, anger, sadness, being tired all the time or not being able to sleep at all. And this caused me to develop a...I guess you can say an eating disorder. I would only nibble on things so no one would notice that I was not eating and skipping meals. I only ate at dinner but even then I didn't eat a lot and when no one was looking I would throw away the food. Skipping meals and hardly eating caused me drop in weight and I was very skinny for someone my age and height. Slowly it started to tear my life apart right in front of my eyes.

At the time when I first started to attend college, I was not getting treatment for my depression and I was refusing to admit that I was depressed. I thought by throwing myself into school, my writing, and pretending to be happy that I would eventually be happy. It was a lie I told myself most days because it was the only thing that helped me make to the next day.

I found out the hard way that it was not that easy to pretend to be happy and before I knew it, I dug myself into this hole that kept getting deeper and deeper until I was no longer able to stay afloat. I was drowning in everyday life with no one there to help me and I no longer felt the need to fight it. My depression started to consume me from the inside out until I felt like I was no longer good enough function in daily life.

The worst part was not knowing how I was going to feel next day because you never knew until you started the day, sometimes you can be fine only for the day to turn around and you feel nothing but anger, or sadness, hell some days I felt both. After a while, you just start feeling numb to all of the pain and you just let it drown you because you have little to no hope.

I remember for about a month, I finally wasn't having any episodes and I thought that made I was getting better. So I started to get out more, do things I normally wouldn't, got a good job I was happy with, but when I had gotten too comfortable with my life in that small amount of time. I didn't know how to handle everything when my depression came back, when this episode hit me, my world came crashing down shattering at my feet. This episode was the worst it has ever been, my mind went to a dark place and all I could think was "I want to die." 

Every day I had this thought and every day I was getting a step closer to the edge.

I later learned that I am passive suicidal, It's where you wish to die. Active is just that―where you from a plan and intend to follow through with it. I, however, never went to that length with my depression. I was only wishing for it.

After I got more failing grades I decided to stop attending college, I quit my job because my life was already shit and I thought I should make it worse. So I did. I pushed people out my life because if I had ever gone through with a plan, there would have been fewer people hurt (At least that is what is told myself at the time, I honestly thought I was doing it for the better).

Depression is a very real and if not taken care of properly it can end badly, and that is something that I come to understand other this past year. My doctor and my therapist are not here to make me worse, they are there to ensure that my health improves over time and that I am able to function in everyday life, where I can build a good career for myself and live happily. Reaching out to my care team was one the best decision I have made within this past year. I can also say that I am actually happy and not pretending!

Back in October of 2016, I started to get treatment for my depression and for a year now I have had it under control. Some days are worse than others but it's manageable now. I can't fully get rid of my depression and it is always going to be a part of me, but I learned better ways to handle my depression when an episode hits me. I use the tools and exercises my care team has given me to combat the episode. They also helped me learn to identify when I am going into an episode, it has been a big help within my treatment. I can openly tell my family when I am not feeling like myself and they do a great job helping me through the day, and help me with some of the exercises if needed.

I also no longer live in a toxic environment (I decided to leave that part out because it's not worth sharing) I moved in with my brother and his family who have been giving me their full support. They are very encouraging and believe I will do well in life, They talked me into going to back to school, in which, I started last Monday and so far I am doing great in the classes.

Having a clear mindset like I do now, I am excited to be going back to school and coming up with more stories for you guys! I cannot wait to see what my future holds and to achieve my dreams and goals that I have set for myself. Depression has taken so much from me already and I am not going to let it control my life any longer.

I think this year is going to turn out so great and I hope you guys will join me on this adventure! Make sure you follow my social media accounts because I am going to be cleaning it up and making it look better and I will be posting content as well.

I also have a secret project I am working on and I am looking to complete it by March 9th, 2018 (Which happens to be my birthday!) and I hope you guys will like it! So be on the lookout! I will be posting that here on this page.

Please ask me any questions you have in the comments down below because I know you all must have questions regarding some things. Then on my next post for Coffee Hour, I will be answering them.

I also want to say thank you for being so supportive throughout last year and sticking it out. I know you have been waiting for certain books to come out.