I spent the rest of the night sleeping.
I felt really bad. Like really, really bad. Jackson forgave me but I still can't live with myself anymore.
I never wanted to hurt him.
I like him.
But not in the same way as he likes me. But he's my best friend and I'm still confused...
***
I woke up.
"Hey Siri what's the time" I groaned.
"10.27 am" Siri responded.
I got up from my bed and went to the door, placed my hand on the handle and immediately pulled it back.
"Fuck I can't face him" I whispered and closed my eyes.
"Fuck yes you can" I opened the door before I could change my mind again.
I tip-toed to the kitchen but unfortunately I bumped onto Jackson.
"Shit sorry" I mumbled, not making an eye contact. I was embarrassed.
He mumbled something back in response and I just quickly grabbed food, went back to my room and ate in peace.
Bling.
I got a message.
Josh: u coming to practice today?
Josh: Mei is sick so we need u more than anything ok
Me: yeah i'm coming
Me: can we meet up
somewhere? I need to
let some things out
Josh: like rn?
Me: yeah right now,
I'm just gonna put
on some clothes first
Josh: u naked??
Me: no
I put my phone away and dressed up, grabbed my phone again and went out.
Jackson didn't say anything. A part of me wished he did but on a second thought it was great that he chose not to talk to me.
Josh: just wonderin where we gonna meet
Me: at the park maybe
Josh: k
I jogged to the park, Josh was already there.
"Sup dude" He grinned. I had my resting bitchface so his grin suddenly dropped.
"So what did you wanna talk about?" He sat down on the bench and I did so too.
"I just need to vent somewhere before I explode... I'll start from the very beginning."
"I'm listening."
"So... I moved to my friend, Jackson-"
"Oh the Jackson you were watching tv with?"
"Yeah. Well we were drunk one night, made out and had sex. We continued kissing and doing stuff after that, but I thought it was just physical. But it actually wasn't. Jackson has feelings for me and he confessed last night. I rejected him. Now I feel super bad for playing with his heart, you don't even know" I buried my face in my hands.
Josh stayed silent.
I fought back tears. Josh probably thinks I'm disgusting.
"One last thing.." I started again.
"I'm moving out in about a week. I forgot to tell him, we had so much drama going on but... if I now tell him I'm moving out, he thinks it's because of him and that would end our friendship."
"I think you two should talk this through. Tell him exactly how you feel and that may hurt, but trust me, lying hurts even more." Josh spoke quietly.
I nodded.
"I know."
I put down my hands and looked back at Josh.
"Thanks for listening. I feel so much better now"
"I'm here for you. Even though I can come off as a carefree person, I do listen. If you can't talk to anyone else, talk to me. I promise I will try to help you."
"Thanks." I smiled.
