"Mark Tuan." Jimin rose his voice behind me. "What the hell is wrong with you? You don't even try anymore!"
I looked at him but couldn't meet his gaze. I felt horrible.
My friendship with Jackson is not a friendship anymore. He's a stranger. I don't know him anymore.
I miss him.
"I..." I started.
"No more excuses. We have to practise, the competition is less than 3 months away! If you don't gather yourself up right now and stop daydreaming, we'll have to continue without you. And you know pretty damn well we can't do that, we need atleast four members." I could feel Jimin's eyes burning holes onto my skin.
"Whatever there is that is bothering you, go the fuck on and solve it!"
"Jimin..." Mei's voice could be heard too.
"I have been watching this for too long now. We have been practising for several months and now you want us to drop out? No fucking way, Mark, I think you should-"
"I think you should shut up." I heard myself say. "I get it alright. You don't have to be a dick about it."
Jimin got quiet.
"I don't want us to drop out. It's my personal life that's getting in the way. I will solve it and practise hard. I promise." I turned towards him and bowed.
"Good."
***
I got home feeling like shit. I don't know why but I still feel like something is not right, I feel sick.
I made my way to the bathroom. I don't even care anymore. Nothing matters.
I shoved my middle and pointer finger down my throat, making me throw up.
This isn't real. This doesn't matter. I am not real. I don't matter.
I flushed the toilet and sat on the floor. I looked at the wall across me and then I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I bursted out crying.
I cried out hard, I didn't care about Jackson being in the house. I needed to let out stress somehow. This is too much.
"Mark?" Jackson opened the door.
"What do you want" I sobbed.
"To know if you're okay" he mumbled and came to me.
"I'm fine."
"No you're not..."
"Then what's the point in asking when you can clearly see I'm not okay" I closed my eyes.
"Mark I'm worried about you. You haven't been yourself lately."
I thought. What if I tell him everything? Would it make it all easier?
I opened my mouth but a sob escaped it before I could say anything. Jackson sat down and tried to look into my eyes.
"I'm just so fucking stressed, I have control over nothing, Jimin's getting mad at me because I don't dance as good as he wishes I did, I feel so sick and I'm so sorry, I-" I sobbed and hid my face into my hands. "I don't know what to think anymore, my mind is just a big blur and you're so fucking bipolar, you ignore me first but then you come and be all caring and stuff, I don't know how to react to that, I feel so fucking sick, I love you but at the same time I don't, I-I feel trapped, I lied to you, I do love you but I'm scared of commitment!"
Jackson looked down and didn't say anything. I was afraid of what he might say.
"I'm sorry" he whispered. "I'm sorry I've been so blind and selfish"
"You are forgiven Jackson" I whispered back, blinking rapidly.
I leaned in and hugged Jackson.
He hugged me instantly back, he wrapped his giant arms around me and pulled me closer.
I buried my wet face into the crook of his neck. He continued pulling me until I was half-laying on his lap.
I listened to his calm breath and I could feel my sobs calm down. Tears weren't running anymore and I was feeling much better.
"Can... Can I ask you one thing?" Jackson whispered and I nodded.
"Of course"
"You said you love me.... Is that true?"
I could feel the burn in my eyes again and I tried so hard not to cry. Jackson rubbed circles onto my back soothingly.
"Yeah..." I whispered after what felt like an eternity.
I looked up and met his eyes.
"I love you, Jackson."
His eyes widened and I couldn't keep a straight face. I smiled.
For the first time in weeks.
"I love you too, Mark."
I pressed my lips against his.
