Starting At My Ending

Note 1

Schrodinger's cat, a thought experiment. Ayon dito ang pusa na nakakulong sa isang kahon kasama ang isang deadly toxic or radiated material, have the same of probability of killing or not killing the cat, meaning 50/50. Dahil di natin malalaman kung mamatay ba o hinde sa toxic sa loob ng kahon ang pusa, it is safe to assume that the cat is both dead and alive at the same time.

Alam ko, Iniisip niyo, Alive and dead at the same time? Bullshit. To that I say 'I disagree'. At tanong ng iba, sino naman gagawa non sa kawawang pusa? and to that I say 'marami, baka nga ginawa mo na yun ng di mo alam'.

A person suffering to depression left alone sa kwarto niya kasama ang deadly toxic thoughts na pumapasok sa isip niya. Di natin alam kung ano ang pumapasok sa isip ng isang tao, so it is safe to assume that that person is both dead and alive.

I lived all my 18 years, inside this person named John Garcia, both dead and alive at the same time. Breathing, eating, and moving but deep inside I feel dead. Like a freaking zombie! And who cares? who tried to help? To that I say 'Nobody!'

So I decided to kill myself.

Ya, I know mali itong ginawa ko. But please do understand, ginawa ko to dahil para sakin ito lang ang choice ko. I didn't kill myself because I hate life, I killed myself because I love life and this is not something I can call life.

So fuck it.

I'm done.

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Or so I hoped. But nothing goes right for me is there? I can't even kill myself right. Pag bukas ko nang mga mata ko, I was blinded by the bright sun light. Nakahiga sa kumportableng kama, weird. My bed is not this big. I don't know how did I get here, but I'am sure na di pa ako nakakapunta sa lugar na ito.

*Ring Ring Ring*

Hinanap ko yung source ng tunog, at nakita ko ito sa ibabaw ng nightstand. A smartphone, with a night sky as a wallpaper. I turned off the alarm. Walang password, convinient.

After kong halungkatin lahat ng information na pwede kong makuha sa phone, I realized na yung date ay saturday, just the next day , january 20. Na realize ko din kung nasaan ako, sa bahay ng classmate kong si Ethan Jimenez. This made me nervous, because Ethan is this bully in our school, who bullies me, of course. I am pretty sure na pag nakita niya ako dito? hindi lang isang suntok ang matatanggap ko, mga tatlo o lima.

So I stand up, looked at the mirror across the room, and see my world shatter right before my eyes, exaggeration, I know. Pero naranasan mo na bang tumingin sa salamin para makita yung reflection mo, na hinde ikaw? alam mong reflection mo yun, pero alam mo din na di ikaw yun, makes sense? to that I say 'Hell no!'.

I would like to give a better explanation of what it feels like to see yourself be not you, but all I can think of sa oras na yun ay 'What the fuck?'. I think that describe it pretty accurately. Now, di ko alam kung sasapakin ba ako ni Ethan pag nakita niya ako, he'll think I'm his long lost twin brother or something. Not knowing what to do, I looked at the window to know where I am, just to make sure na nasa earth pa ako, What if this is hell? It's pretty cool in here, di ko alam na may aircon pala sa impyerno. Pero ang nakita ko sa bintana ay yung school na pinapasukan ko, di pala ganun kalayo bahay ni ethan sa school but still uses his motorbike. Papogi points pa, para naman kailangan niya yun, every girl(who is stupid enough) in our school likes him. I looked around the room, and in the night stand, is a key, a motorbike key along with the phone. Then I realized why would he left his phone and key, or did he really left the house? I looked around the place, not in the bathroom, under the bed, nor in the closet. Nobody leave their house without their phone right? A thought cross my useless brain that can only think of negative shits, what if I turned into Ethan, what if my spirit or something possessed his body? This train of thoughts just keep going to the wrong direction.

Umuupo ako sa kama, I decided na hintayin nalang si Ethan, for sure uuwi siya sooner or later then I will know that na di ako si Ethan maybe this is just some random thoughts that people get when they are about to die or something. Maybe I'll wake up, no, I committed suicide that can't be right, maybe I'll pass out and continue dying, much better train of thoughts.

I waited for hours, lights from the windows of other building the only source of light in the room, I tried to pinch my self, to wake myself up, I don't even care if my suicide fail. I just wanna wake up in my body again, I can't endure the idea that I am stuck inside the man whom I hate more than anybody well maybe not more than myself. But still I like my body better, I don't want to control the very fist that punches me without reasons. I don't to want to see using this eyes that looked down on me.

I stand up in the window, to look in the beautiful night sky. For a moment I was glad that I was alive to see this city skyline, for a moment. This still remain beautiful even after I die, my death really didn't effect this world, that's how much insignificant I am. Then I thought, this world is much better off without Ethan, he might not be insignificant just like me, but his death would improve the life of the student he bullies.

I climbed the windows, well who would have thought that I will be able to commit suicide a second time.

I jumped.

Fuck it.

I'm done.

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Or so I thought again.