Starting At My Ending

Note 2 ~Walk trip~

But then I opened my eyes, again, for a freaking second time, can I freaking just die? The sun light hit my face, illuminating the room, same room, Ethan's room. I'am a professional failure of a suicidal person.

Tinignan ko ang date sa phone ni Ethan, Sunday, 8:00 AM. A day has passed, di ko alam kung bakit ako nandito. Kung bakit ako kamukha ni Ethan pero isa ang alam ko, mukhang di ako makakaalis dito. Even death is not an escape.

I decided na manghalungkat ng info sa phone ni Ethan, I read messages, emails, notes, lahat ng pwede kong mabasa, binasa ko.

I guess lahat ng tao may pinagdadaan talaga, Ethan for me is the typical lucky guy, na nasa kanya na lahat ng gusto ko, he has good looks, his rich, and athletic. Pero di ko inasahan na may pinagdadaan din pala siya. Base dito sa binasa ko, Ethan is an illegitimate son of a very rich person. Explains the reason why kung bakit siya nakatira mag isa sa isang condo. His family isn't exactly glad na nabuhay siya. Pero dahil his mother passed away, his father took pity on him and provide him with financial support. But still, di yun dahilan para mang bully siya nang ibang tao, he might have circumtances, but still that is not a reason to hurt anybody.

There is no valid reason to hurt anybody.

I decided to go outside, mag walk trip ba, I love walk trip. With nothing in my mind but to keep on putting my feet in front of one another. Without destination I walked, I walked with myself, my empty mind and my broken heart. This is my definition of a walk trip. I have been alone, at home and at school. But don't get me wrong, I love being alone it's much better than pretending to fit in. What I don't like is myself and being alone by myself. Without distraction my mind would drift to a spiral of self loathing and hatred, sadness and remorse. My worst enemy is myself, specifically my mind. So walking distract me from myself, and gave me the feeling of moving forward. That is why I love walk trip.

I notice the familiar road, same road I have been walking with my heads down trying not to look at anybody's eye. The road that lead to my home. I just subconsciously walked toward my home, my comfort bubble, my heaven and my hell. The place where I can be happy, but also the place where I tried to kill myself. In front of the house I can see people, few. Others I recognized as my relative.

I straighten up and walk toward my own funeral. Sana may kape at tinapay man lang.

*step*

*step*

*step*

*step*

I saw my mother look at me, her eyes red. The first time I see her with such strong emotion ever since my father, his husband died. She walked up to me and asked "Are you a friend of John?".

I was speechless, I felt my eyes tearing up, I felt my heart getting heavy, my knees getting weaker. I lean in the wall, to support myself. All I can think of is 'why, why did I try to kill myself', seeing my mother in grief in front of me, suffering because of my death. If I had known this would have happen, I wouldn't...

No. I knew this would have happen, I know I would hurt her, I just closed my eyes and cover my ears.

"Oh dear, It was so sudden, pag uwi ko, galing sa trabaho, nakita ko na lang siya...." My mother started crying. Some of my relatives come to support and console her, They looked at me and invited me to come with them. They probably saw the pain in my face and thought I was a friend of him, er rather myself.

"Nabigla ka siguro, he was a good kid, tahimik lang, matalino." One of my relative said to me. I nodded and started walking toward my own coffin, what I saw is familiar yet felt like a stranger, I felt like I was looking at a mannequin that look exactly like me. I step back, not knowing how to react, I feel like throwing up, and running away.

"So what is your name? kaibigan ka ba ni John" One of my relative said, the one with my mother trying to comfort her.

"Ah, Ethan, classmate ako ni John." I said, not wanting to say that Ethan is my friend.

"Have a seat, there is food if you are hungry" She said.

"I am sorry, but I have to go, I just wanted to see him, one last time." I said and started walking.

With every step I take, I get faster and faster. When I was far enough from my home I ran, crying. Regret flood over my chest.

"Why!?" I shouted, in an empty park.

"Because you wish for it." A voice so soft like a whisper, yet so loud like a shout by my ear.

"Sino ka!?" I turned trying to look for the man, the source of that voice but I saw no one, I was alone. Nababaliw na ata ako.

"An angel, a demon, no difference. I am simply the one who manage dead people. call me whatever you want or whatever you believe." it said again, the voice felt like a vibration in my head.

"What do you want?" I said "What is happening to me?"

"You died wishing you were Ethan, out of envy and despair, you killed yourself." He said, "Coincidentally Ethan also killed himself, wishing to feel nothing anymore and just disappear. Somehow your deaths were connected and brought upon this miracle or phenomena."

"You expect me to believe that?" I said, It connects, Ethan is suffering also, because of his family. But still this is unbelievable.

"But you are already believing it" He said as if his reading my mind. "You attend to your own funeral and already saw your own dead body, that too is unbelievable."

"Farewell, I will take your soul, when time come" The voice drifted with the air.

I stood up and started walking again.