Things In My Brain

bi bi bi (bi bi)

I had liked boys pretty much my whole life, until high school came around and I was smacked in the face with hormones. I remember during gym class one day, I was sitting in the bleachers because I had forgotten my sneakers at home. As I was just sitting and watching my peers run up and down the gym, my eyes would tend to drift to one person. Her name was Molly. She had short blonde hair with her brown roots growing in, and she'd always be wearing these oversized sweaters and ripped jeans. She looked like what "Drops of Jupiter" by Train sounds like. Once I caught myself staring, I'd snap out of it and bring my attention to my lap. But before long, I'd be staring again. I was always nervous around her, and I didn't know why. In my mind, there was only two sexualities; straight or gay. I had liked boys in the past, so I was straight. But I knew I felt differently about Molly than any other random girl. I wanted her to like me so bad, and I imagined what it would be like to kiss her. Then I stumbled upon a youtuber called doddleoddle and I fell in love. Both figuratively and literally. I gushed over her the way I gushed over cute male celebrities, like Brendon Urie, or Cole Sprouse. One day I stumbled upon her video titled "I'm bisexual". I had never heard of such a word, so I clicked on the video.

Then everything made sense.

I didn't think it was an actual thing to like both boys and girls. I always thought I had to choose one. But I had found it. I had found a part of myself I had been missing for a huge portion of my life and I felt so much better. Suddenly a lot of things made sense. Like that girl on my T-ball team that I really really wanted to be friends with, and all of my tv girl crushes like Jade from Victorious, or Kim Possible. I was finally comfortable with this part of myself that I had ignored my whole life. And it felt amazing.

But then came the doubt.
I wondered if I really was bi, or if I was lying to myself so I could feel special? (it sounds silly now that I think about it) Another part of me thought that just because I learned about what bisexuality was through Dodie, I just wanted to say I was bi so I could be more like her (which is very ironic because the only reason I wanted to be like her was because I has the BIGGEST crush on her lmao... still do tbh)
But soon enough I just realized it was me overthinking things, as I tend to do, and I stopped questioning it. I simply just let this part of myself exist, and pretty soon, I felt comfortable enough to tell my friends and family about it.

If anyone else out there is struggling with their sexuality, sometimes you just need to stop questioning it, because no matter how much you try, you'll never find one true answer. Love is confusing as hell, but that's the beauty of it, right?