Things In My Brain

abandonment issues

I often fear that I'm not as important to other people as they are to me. I feel as if they don't need me as much as I need them.
I've had friends in the past who have proven this to be true. They'd find a newer, cooler version of me or just lose interest all together and leave. They wouldn't return my waves in the hallway or sit with me at lunch. It seemed as if my absence wasn't even noticeable to them, while there's was deafening to me. They had other people, other friends to fill the empty space I left, I was replaced in an instant. They didn't even need me. But they were all I had, the only person I considered a friend. After they'd abandoned me I felt completely alone. Sure I had acquaintances and people who talked to me put of pity, but I had no true friends.
But eventually I would make new friends. Amazing ones. But the fear never left me. I still feel as if I'm not even half of what they are to me. I feel that if I leave, it won't matter. They'll have other people, besides me. And that fills me with anger. How dare you not care about me as much as I care about you? This causes me to cut people off. What's the point, I'm just a waste of their time. What's the point of me even being here if they'll just leave me for their other freinds anyways.
Before these feelings began to rise, I never considered myself a jealous person. But when I'd see my friends hanging out with others on social media, I'd feel bitter, and just frustrated. And it puts into perspective how alone I am. It makes me realize how much I rely on that person, how much I cling onto them. It makes me realize how isolated my existence really is, because I don't have other people besides them. But they have other people besides me. And I have to accept that.

I have to realize that they truly love me and I'm their friend for a reason. Whether or not I'm their closest friend shouldn't matter. All that matters is we have eachother. And I just have to trust then when they say they'll never abandon me. Because I know that they trust me. And sometimes, being trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.