Sexual tension and best buds (phan)

Chapter 4: So What Is It About?

Okay so it's been over three years since I started this and more than two since the last update. I don't really read or write Dan and Phil fanfiction anymore because I've sort of become comfortable with the relationship they have, or rather the one that they currently present to the audience. The thing is I was checking my email for the first time in a long time and was reminded that this exists. A few things to note regarding the current situation are that: I've changed, Dan and Phil have changed, and the readership for this kind of story has changed. Another thing of importance is that my writing style and skill level are both very different now and I don't remember the timeline I had in my head for this story so this part will probably not fit perfectly with the rest (or at least I hope it doesn't). Basically, I'm bored and need to practice writing and it seems as though people might enjoy an update on this. Currently I am focused more on art and graphic novel writing than typically writing but my new motto has become: "If you want to see something you have to be willing to be the person that makes things people want to see". The motto that keeps me motivated to draw is: "If you crave a certain story you're going to have to make it yourself". Without further ado I will now proceed to write some random bullshit for probably 30 min to and hour.

    A crisp frozen atmosphere filled the streets and stuck Dan as he made his way home from the store. Recently the cold had been effecting him more so he found himself heavily bundled up and methodically adjusting his scarf with his right hand while trying to keep his grocers straight with just his left. The cold air may have been what was flooding his lungs but what he was really drowning in were his thoughts. It had been a few weeks since Dan had decided to shoot the fanfiction video with Phil. That video was never uploaded and in fact, Dan hadn't uploaded anything since before that failed shoot. He did his best to ignore people asking why he wasn't uploading, and in recent days, avoiding the internet as a whole. The problem was the avoidance was making things worse. Avoiding comments, avoiding criticism, avoiding praise, and worst of all "avoiding" Phil. All of it just increased his stress and rendered him virtually useless.

     Of course avoiding his flatmate and only accessible friend was a pretty heavy feat yet Dan found a way to do it. At first it was passable as being "busy" or "overworked" and needing some alone time but with weeks having gone by and no "work" to show for it it was pretty clear that what dan was doing. A pretense they lived under was "We don't mess with each other's personal business" but obviously as time had gone by their "personal business" had sort of become a singular things. Nevertheless Phil still felt he should respect their initial wish in this sort of situation, even though it was killing him to see dan the way he was. Truthfully that sort of promise came from what Phil assumes was Dan trying to feign independence. It had been a long time since Dan had even left the house so his offer to do the shopping for that nights dinner was a shock and promising event in Phils mind. Also having him discuss dinner was great as he seemed even thinner than usual.

    Phil had just sat down with some coffee and a book when Dan returned home. The sound of the groceries being put on the kitchen counter could be heard but Dan was silent other than that. Just as soon as dan got back his footsteps could be heard retreating once again.

    "Did you have any trouble with the list" Phil called out. It was more than just a question, it was almost a test.

    There was no response and Phil found himself starting to loose patience. He stood up and made his way to the hallway to their rooms. Dan was stopped in the middle of it.

   "hey--" The moment Phil began talking dan started to walk away again. "Hey where the hell are you thinking" Phil grabbed Dan's wrist and pulled him back to face him. Dan's face was blank.

    They stood in science for what felt like hours. Dan refusing to meet Phils eyes and Phil refusing to let go. Dan may have been four years younger but he was always pretty good at acting more mature but there where times where his childishness would cause some issues. They hadn't had an issue like that one for years so Phil was very confused. Phil unconsciously tightened his grip on Dan's wrist.

     "Let go" Dan mumbled sternly, still refusing to look up and not making any real effort to get free.

   "Talk to me Dan!" Phil basically pleaded as he pulled Dan a bit closer forcing him to look up. "If this is about what happened as few weeks ago you shouldn't worry about it. We've done bigger things than that in the past I don't know why you are acting like this. Stuff like that... It happens so--"

    "THIS ISN"T ABOUT THAT" Phil wasn't expecting such a sudden outburst and subsequently dropped Dan's wrist. Dan's mind began to run trying to precess his own words. Was it really not about that? It was at first but it sort of lit a fuse in Dan's thoughts that lead him to a dark place. Phil wasn't wrong; when they had first met they used to do stuff a lot more intense than that but as time went on their careers sort of called for their attention so they never had time to figure out what they had been starting. It was that all the harassment about what was never settled seemed to have gotten to dan, or maybe it was even more than that maybe this was an excuse for him to act out. He didn't know anymore.

    "Then what is it about, Dan" Dan's stubborn attitude mixed with the forced isolation Phil had to deal with those past few weeks were pushing him to his limit. Dan started looked down again but Phil gently grabbed Dan's faced and pulled it up again. "You need to stop acting like a child and deal with whatever is bothering you." Phil's words clearly struck a nerve but Phil saw that as enough reason to drop dan's face.

    Dan seemed like he was going to say something but instead turned around and finished walking back to his room. He almost slammed the door but hesitated, it wasn't worth it. Phil sighed and made his way back to his coffee and book. All he could hope for was that something he said could get through to Dan in at least some way.

    Depression was a topic Dan tried to avoid with himself as well as everyone else. When he was younger his depressive tendencies just burdened his loved ones and took a toll on his social life.  He reached a certain point in his career that required him to be stable except he was anything but. For a long time he was able to go on relying on Phil for emotional stability and confidence but when he tried to take control for once by making the stupid decision to make that video he realized his inferiority. Phil was right he really was acting like a brat. It's easy to play confident especially when Phil is willing to play along but the truth was no matter what they did Dan was still being protected like a child. Dan sat on his bed and pulled his knees to his chest. It's like a dad letting his son win a basket ball game . He buried his face in his knees. It was times like those that made it feel like he had nothing. In a world where he had everything, Dan felt like he had nothing. The selfishness in that made him feel sick.

this is pretty short but I'm starting to get bored haha. This is so overdramatic I honestly can't handle it. I felt like bringing down the mood a bit I guess. The pacing and grammar is deplorable so I apologize. Also I just read the authors note on the last chapter and I said "my writing skills have increased" oh I can't wait for two years from now when I look back at this and feel the same way I just felt when I looked at that. This is such a short update I'm dead it's like an oreo; You get these big author's notes and than a small layer of creamy content. Sort of like Dan and Phil's gaming channel -DRAGGED-. AHEM. Sorry. I'm too old for this website now, well maybe not too old this is going to sound very pretentious but i'll say "mature". but truly there is nothing wrong with being immature my life has been full of "mature" things (sex, substances, adult parties, future planning, and all the works) and it has sort of sucked a bit. Sometimes immaturity is the most fun. 

Ahh just like with my last literary analysis assignment I'm gonna publish this without reading it over again.