Never, Forever (Joshler)

2. Dissociate

It's funny how dreams never come true. When I was fifteen I thought I'd grow up and live a happy ordinary life, a nice job, a family, some over priced house in a cookie cutter neighborhood and hell maybe even a dog. But here I am now, laying in a shitty hotel room that reeks of weed and alcohol next to some stranger that I picked up an even shittier bar across the street. Yeah, real funny how those dreams never seem to come true.

The sun is starting to peek through the thin curtains so I decide to get up and wash the dried sweat and sin off of me. Once I step into the bathroom I see a reflection in the mirror that can't be my own. I see scraggly locks of overgrown hair cascading onto a face that looks like it belongs on someone ten years older, eyes being weighed down with dark bags and a resting look of exhaustion and sadness. I see a frail figure that looks far too skinny to be my own. This isn't me.

What the fuck am I doing? This question has become more and more potent in my head over the past few days. The thoughts of going back and to keep running wage war in my head. If I went back I'd have to face all the people and problems I've been hiding from for the past month. If I keep going then I'll probably die somewhere along the way. I'm still not sure which is better.

I spend at least forty minutes in the shower but I don't care because showers come seldom and it's the first one I've had in a few days. When I leave the bathroom I'm disappointed to see that last night's visitor is still sound asleep. Fuck it I guess I'll leave then. I quickly get dressed and gather the few things I unpacked. He starts to stir as I'm gathering the last of my things so I make a quick exit to avoid the annoying hungover small talk, neither of us want that.

On my way out of town I see a sign for a laundromat and think about stopping because it's been a couple of weeks since I've washed clothes but I'm already bored of this town and I want out. I thought about avoiding Utah in general because I doubted that the Mormon state could actually offer a good time but the shitty dive bars and closeted gays made it bearable for almost a full two weeks. Now I'm over it and I think I'm going to check out Nevada. All the barren roads and empty cities sound like a nice break.

I drive on the interstate for a couple of hours before turning onto a highway and I end up in Nevada before noon. I'd like to find a gas station because I smoked the rest of my cigarettes during the drive but I haven't seen any signs that indicate that there's anything nearby. Another hour passes and now I really want a cigarette. Fuck Nevada this state is already pissing me off.

It's another fucking hour before I find a city, is it a city or a town? I'm not sure what the difference is but I'm sure there is one. It looks exactly like what you would imagine a city in the middle of the desert to look like. Dust colored buildings lined the Main Street, which seemed to be the only thing this town had going for it. Outside of the Main Street it looks like any other small city, parks, churches, houses, it looks like the kind of place someone would spend their whole life trying to get out of.

As soon as I see a gas station I remember my initial mission. The gas station is crowded but they usually are when cities are this sparse. I pull up to one of the only available pumps and head inside. The line is about eight people long and there's only one cashier working, just my fucking luck. I decide to go to the bathroom, hoping the line will be shorter when I come out but it's only moved ahead four people. I use this waiting time to check my phone because it's been a few days and I'd like to see if anyone is still pretending to care that I'm gone. I'm not surprised that the screen doesn't light up when I press the power button, I can't even remember the last time I charged it, I shrug and pocket the phone.

I finally get to the register and I'm greeted by a woman in probably her early forties, her hair is gray at the roots, wrinkles decorate the corners of her eyes and she brings it all together with a look of stress and sleep deprivation. I'm not sure why but I get it, this is exactly what I've felt like for the past month, I almost feel bad for her. I quickly pay and make my way back outside so I can finally have my fucking cigarette.

The sun is shining annoyingly bright when I get back out so I decide to enjoy my cigarette in the alleyway between the building and fence and with shaking hands I finally light my first cigarette in about five hours. I finally start to calm down about halfway through my second smoke. It's nice to finally be calm after being on edge for the past three hours. Two months ago I would've been disgusted by my pack a day smoking habit, but then again I guess I still cared about myself two months ago.

I'm not sure what I want to do today. I could keep driving and see what else Nevada has to offer or I can go to the liquor store across the street and find somewhere to drown out my feelings. I opt for the latter because I'm having one of those days where it's just to hard to fucking breathe, lately it feels like every day is like that.

After buying a bottle of vodka at the liquor store I head to the closest motel. The motels through these small towns are always shitty but I guess you get what you pay for, it doesn't really matter to me though because I already decided that I don't give a shit about myself anymore. Once I'm in the room I decide to plug my phone in. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't just a little curious to see what people are saying. It takes a few minutes to turn on but as soon as it does the screen lights up with notifications from missed calls and texts. I take a swig of vodka from the bottle before I start to read. I decided to start with the texts from her. At first they start out sad and regretful then they just turn into hateful attacks at me. Fucking bitch, who does she think she is? I take another swig. Next are the texts from friends. Some are worried, some call me a coward and some just don't care. Another drink. Then there's my family. I skim through it all and it it honestly just looks like insincere insults and worries, but for some reason the texts from my dad really stick out to me. Each one feels like a stab in the back. Another drink. Fuck this, I turn the phone off and leave myself to stir in my own desolation. Another drink.

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Ah I'm sorry this update was late! It's been sitting in my drafts for a couple of weeks but I've been busy with school and stuff.

Thanks for reading! Comment, vote and all that Jazz if you liked it.