spontaneous

lying

i lie. a lot. lying is probably one of my worst habits that i'm really bad at trying to end (if that makes sense). i lied about trying to kill myself. i lied about being depressed and shit like that. honest to fucking jesus christ, at the ages of 0-12 i was a perfectly mentally stable and healthy kid. but i've lied and cheated my way through life and i've rotted my own brain. and i don't know if its possible, but i feel like i've brain washed myself into thinking i'm suicidal and depressed and have mental illnesses. i also feel like my friend group plays a big part. << that is an example of me lying to myself, i'm trying to make myself feel better by blaming people around me. anyway, my friends could be a cause but i need to stop. all of them, including myself, are attention seeking try hards. we want popularity, but when the spotlights on us we freeze. we say we all want to die, but the amount of times we've "tried to kill ourselves" not even one person in TOWN has died, not even from suicide. this bullshit world isn't worth living, but we all keep going and maybe we are all depressed and anxious and we are fucking suicidal but we do need to come clean. at some point. at least to ourselves, and i swear i'm trying.