Once I talk to me.

Day 2

Dear Diary,

It's me Niharika Again...

You know what happens?? I think every day that I will never return to you... to share my thoughts over whatever happening, I will learn how to live without sharing anything to anyone and I will learn that "let it go/let it be" attitude for sure... but diary there is something which bothers me a lot and brings back to you, and that is... yes that attitude is good and fine and that attitude is Okay and we all live with that attitude only but that happens after certain period of time... we don't know what to do with our present situation, we don't know how to handle that, we don't know how to tackle this present situation... we don't know how to get rid of those emotions which we are feeling now... sharing it feels like we are crying for sympathy from someone doesn't matter whether they are our own people, friends or family just the single thing hits the mind after saying all the feelings, and that is "It is representing a wrong message... I am getting habituated of crying.... I am not doing good... this will create a dependency" and this feeling creates a numbness in you... huff!!! this is such a critical situation diary that you feel that you are going far from every single person around you... your relations are getting messed up with every one, you don't want to be with your family, and moreover diary talking with everyone gives you a chill vibe, that you are not able to figure out what exactly wrong is going on, you mess up with everyone literally everyone.... something is worst... Now you must be thinking that why I am writing all this to you... so let me reveal it... this happened with me.... I am traumatized Diary and worst part of this is I don't know how to come out of it how to get rid of it.... you know what is the worst part of this.... no one knows how to help me I am holding an unknown and deep silence inside me which is... how do I tell you... you know what happened??? we are living in 2020 but let's go back in 2016 the first year of my graduation period... being an alone idiot... wait did I said alone idiot ?? Yes exactly... because the one who doesn't have someone to ask for outing or having a casual chit chat face to face once in a week and living a non social life just because so called friends are busy with their social life doesn't holds any person to be with... so this alone idiot was getting bored and watching out a serial decided to write a fan fiction over it... basically fan fiction are those stories which fans blooms in their own mind and according to them their responsibility sorry sorry social responsibility is to mess up with the script writer of that particular serial and despite of being a fan I chose a serial whose scrip writer was already crap.... typical drama of 2000's was running in 2016 it was irritating as well as a proper head ache to a normal human mind but to get a character information watching few episodes was necessary and so did I, two episodes were enough to kill my peace so I decided to capture the leads and let's rectify this story and make it interesting... so happened I started writing... as soon as I released first episode I got the good response over the same... and so continued... my story was facing ups and downs with readers, likes and dislikes and again the same story as I told you earlier... you know despite of her I met someone else there and I didn't mentioned about her to you but yes she was special to me like if I take an instance so she held a place like "Anna to Elsa" or you can say "Pooh to Piglet" or "Timon to Pumba" 😂😂😂!! Well Okay enough of praising... so she was like sharing her point of view on every episode which was honest like "good if good" or "bad if bad" the bond became stronger and stronger like day and night despite of being busy dropping out messages and popping out the rants and feelings became so common for us.... ranting over people, making fun, writing stories, listening poetry together and sharing stuffs with every travelling trip... that was the time when being busy was an excuse for nothing to us leaving a single day without message was kind of the day whose proceeding day will hold a fight for sure smiles were together laughs were together, and tears were visible to each other... the time was going very well but don't know what happened that..... that bond exist no where now Diary... now everything has been killed brutally with the quote "being busy" and her disappearance is affecting me as if my part has been vanished out... I am giving condolence to my every feeling right now and what it is leading to... doubt over every single relation in short I have a "Nick" in my life and this "Judy Hopps" is spoiling the relation by digging a unknown pit or you can say the chasm around.... where I am standing alone and cutting out every aspect or source to reach me, cutting off from social media is becoming a habit for me every single message now doesn't raise an answer instead it is raising a cross question that is "now what should I answer??, shall I answer this or not?, this was in positive sense or negative what kind of a response is needed here..." these question are creating a numbness which is unpredictable that when it will be get off.... everything is messing up and now as a result am unable to trust or respond anyone... the win and loose game here is with my own self.... I don't know whether Nick is going to be there for a life time or a temporary basis but I am talking about present and in present moment if I didn't assembled myself then everything will be destroyed and I don't know how I will rectify it... but I don't have an option also because if I will share the problem then the only answer what I am getting is "What can we do?" so if the answer remains same diary then I guess the problem will not get to any new conclusion and end because someone must hold the answer of "What to do?" and "What can we do"....... because according to me three things can save a drowning human in the sea, either his or her willingness to survive and a life jacket or a boat... and when first option is literally loosing then other two are the most important thing for saving a life but if those two options are not available then...... then my dear a person can fight until he or she is exhausted.... let's see dairy who will win now the exhaustion or willingness to live... till then I am signing off....