If You Only Knew

III.

I feel so stupid when finally realizing I could have solved my problem already. A sudden rush of excitement and adrenaline hits me, causing my feet to move. Even though my muscles ache and I don't know exactly where I am, there's a new hope that flows inside of me. I just have to go along the main road. That's where the bridge is. I can make it there.

***

As I jog, I pass by cars. These people look so happy. Happy to get home maybe. I wish that was me. They probably have a good home to get to anyway. Well. My home isn't bad. It's actually the exact opposite. That's why I hate myself so much. I have a father who works so hard just to come home to an ungrateful child that wants to end her own life. How selfish of me.

I'm not selfish.

If anything, those who expect me to keep my life even though I'm miserable are selfish. They can't stand the thought of losing me, so they pretend I'm okay. They're selfish for holding onto the false hope that I'll be back. They get the hollow version of me. No emotion, no character. Just a lifeless body holding a broken, aching soul. Part of me is mad for letting myself go. for giving up. The other doesn't care at all. I mean what's the point? We live to die anyway, right? My thoughts seem to take more time than I thought. There it is. The bridge. I didn't know how important it'd be to me until now. Just as I take another step, I hear sirens behind me. This causes me to quicken my pace.

Why would the police take me?

Driving past me, I let out a sigh of relief. I can't live in a state of constant anxiety anymore. My lungs tighten, with my heart barely beating as I near the bridge. It's finally time. Racking my brain, I try to think of one good reason not to do this. Part of feels somewhat defeated when l can't think of any reason, even a small one, to keep my life.

"17 years worth of money, food and oxygen for what?" Looking up to the sky, I search for some kind of answer. "I just want out." I say in between sobs.

The leveling of the ground shifts, making me observe my surroundings.

Here I am. This is it.

Feeling compelled I take off my shoes. My heart races as I place my palms against the cold, rough stone. It's almost funny how a person has to be so close to death in order to escape the grasps of utter numbness. Adrenaline rushes through my veins, making me feel as if this was supposed to be the way my life ended. Right now is the only time I feel I truly alive. My shaky arms push the rest or my body onto the ledge. Slowly standing, I close my eyes and breath in the salty night air. I look up to the sky one last time.

"I'm sorry I failed you"

I don't exactly know who that's directed to. Society. My father. God. Lifting one foot from the ledge I begin to lean forward, listening to the wild water crash against the rocks and stones. Just before I completely give into death I hear the voice of someone.

"Raegan no!"

Everything goes black