Holding in my throat, clawing at my lips, how do I tell you?
When I’m with you alone
I keep complete control
I wanna tell you how I feel
but when it comes to it I don’t
We’re sitting right next to each other for the thousandth time in our lives and the words are stuck in my throat. My heart is waiting, not very patiently, for the moment my brain lets go of the reins. Then, then I would tell you with so much fervor and pain the words that have been changing me since I’ve realized their truth. I want to tell you everything, but I can’t.
“Hazza, you okay?”
“Fine”
“Harry.”
“I’m fine. I’m serious, there’s nothing wrong.”
“You have been telling me that for months now”
“It hasn’t become any less true in these past months”
“Why are you hiding? What did I do?”
“You didn’t do anything.”
“Fuck, then tell me what’s wrong Harry. I need to know what’s wrong. It’s killing me. You think I don’t realize that your smile never reaches your eyes? How suddenly you don’t want to be near me? I am begging.”
All of that’s about to change
The truth is buried in my veins
deep down I let the feeling grow and now I’ll spell out in bold
“You don’t want to know.”
“Why would I ask if I didn’t want to know?”
“Because thoughts are not like physical things. You can’t look at my face and realize you don’t want to know just like you look at a mushroom and decide you don’t want to eat it. Trust me, these thoughts are mushrooms, you don’t want them.”
“Um, Harry, I eat fucking everything. Well, everything but vegemite, that shit was disgusting. The point is, you’re like food, always good and always…um yeah.”
“Niall, you really don’t want to know.”
“Look, I know I’m not Lou and I’m not even Liam, but I care just as much Haz. I really do.”
“Niall.”
“Please”
I turn and look at him, my guard instantly down as soon as I see his startling blue eyes. You would think that I’d be used to them by now, but I’m not. I mean, Lou has blue eyes too, but Niall’s shine. They literally shine. I don’t want to be the reason they go dull. I know he’ll freak out and worry about trying not to hurt my feelings. Then things will get awkward and everything will be ruined properly.
No Hideaway, no Hideaway
Just words I’ve wanna say words I gotta say
I’ll watch you break, I’ll bring you pain
I’ll say it to your face, No hideaway
“Fine.”
My reward is that contagious smile with that stupid light in his eyes getting brighter and my voice catches. I don’t know how to start and once I start, will I be able to stop?
“Harry?”
“Oi, sorry. I, erm, well, uh.”
“English mate?”
