words of me, myself, and i

empty

empty

i just felt the need to say this

even if no one is listening.

i used to have an eating disorder

at the age of 12.

no one really knows,

but it's hidden in the back of my mind.

honestly, i'd love to keep it that way,

but it'll have to come out sometime.

my mind used to yell and scream at me,

"you're fat!"

"you're ugly!"

"why are you not skinny?!"

nobody knew,

not a single soul

except me, myself, and i.

it was my best kept secret,

and my worst nightmare.

i remember laying awake at night,

feeling my stomach

eat away at itself

while i'd cry myself into a dark slumber.

i remember showering

and sobbing

and puking

and feeling empty.

empty would be the best way to describe it

because it was what i was.

my stomach was empty

along with my heart.

i remember the day i ate nothing,

nothing at all.

it wasn't my fault, was it?

i'm sorry.

and what's really funny is the fact that i

used to eat all the time

with no worries

and no guilt.

as time went on,

my meals got smaller

along with my stomach

and whole body.

i wish i could've escaped myself,

but when i tried,

it didn't go as planned.

i ended up in the hospital

with many regrets

and a stomach full of guilt.

i don't know why i started feeling sick of myself.

it could've been the way people treated me.

"geez, fattie." a boy murmured when he asked for my pizza.

i stood, motionless, teary-eyed, and sad.

that was the first day

i purged.

i remember the feeling

and i wish i hadn't of felt it at all.

i purged almost every night

even if i hadn't ate anything recently.

i feel like crying just sitting here,

writing and thinking about it.

days passed by

and my whole body shrunk,

but i couldn't see it.

i still thought i was disgusting.

i still feel disgusting, sometimes

even though, i'm not.

i feel like emptying myself at times

and i never do.

feelings overtake myself often,

and they say it's good to feel.

but sometimes i wish that i

couldn't feel

at all.