Just Breathe

November 13, 2017

Is it normal to feel like you're submerged in water. Just watching everyone
Is it normal to feel like you're floating in space just being there with no purpose at all
Is it normal to feel like breaking down in the middle of class for no reason
Is it normal to hate yourself as much as I do myself
Why do I feel this way. There are people who have it way worse than I do but here I am crying over what I can't control or understand.
I somehow always end up here, hopeless with no reason to be sad
I've tried to be happy I've tried letting them in but it just seems to break me down more
I want to feel like I'm part of the group not looking from the outside in and I know it's my fault but I can't help it. I just watch and listen because it's my safety I listen to the different pitches in voices I laugh because others do I place myself near them but feel so far away.
I've learned to speak up but I feel like it's useless because often I feel like I'm never heard
I speak amongst a crowd of voices and look for some acknowledgement to know that I'm still here not just invisible like I feel.
I've thought about ending it. It wouldn't be that hard but I look at the little things to help tether me down. I find the happiest memories and plant them down so that when I start floating away I have a reason to come back but slowly my tethers are becoming less and less and I know soon I'll have no reason left but maybe if I try living I can find another string to pull me back so that I'll never be gone