doomsday

three: ghost




even though the wind is bitingly cold on her cheeks and she's sure she'll wake up with a cold the next morning, she shuts the door to the balcony as quietly as she can.

she couldn't miss this. although each night almost always ends in tears, here is where she feels like she can finally breathe.

the night is calm. there're these endless little patterns of sparkling white stars dancing across the heavy midnight sky, and they're exactly what she came out here to find comfort in.

and here, up on top of the railing, the world seems a little less painful.

a little speck of a plane travels across her vision, and her mind starts to trace itself back to him. again. 

but she pulls herself out of it. at least on this night, this one night, the cloudless sky is pulling her out of her puddle of self-pity.

"I thought you might be out here."

her fingers curl tightly around the railing. "Why are you here?"

the words are small and quiet, eaten up immediately by his hungry grin as he flings his legs over and hoists himself up onto railing.

"Thought you might like some company. Aren't you cold?" a breeze caresses his hair, and she has to fight the muscle memory in her fingers wanting to do the same.

she looks away quickly, then snaps, "I'm fine."

he chuckles low, like he doesn't believe her. "It's a lovely night out tonight, isn't it?"

her forehead pressed against the column, she just sighs and nods.

she wishes she had the energy to send him away. his nightly visits are starting to suffocate her, snatch her back into the reality that her heartbreak defines her, and steal her mind away from the only place she thought she could get away from him.

"What are you thinking about right now?"

she lets herself look over at him, where he's sprawled comfortably across her balcony with a lazy smirk on his face.

how do you tell someone that they're the reason you don't want to live anymore?

how do you begin to make them understand that everything means nothing without them?

"I just want to fade into nothing," she says under her breath, hoping it's soft enough for him to not hear her deepest and truest secret.

she closes her eyes against the cool breeze, willing herself not to do anything stupid.

his touch is surprisingly warm when his fingers curl around her wrist.

"It hurts that much?"

yes. because it's so tempting. so easy.

one last little push and everything will be sweet, sweet darkness.

her heart's in her throat because she knows how easy it could be to lean into him right now, to bury her face in his shoulder and beg, scream, pray for things to be like they were before.

she takes a deep breath, the air safe and sweet on her tongue. "When will you stop?"

he peers questioningly down at her.

"I don't want to keep seeing you everywhere." the words are an effort to drag out of her heart. "It's like I can't get away from you, and I've been losing myself trying to find you all this time, and now I don't even..." she pauses to brush the tears away, "I don't even know who I am anymore."

his sympathetic smile is accompanied with a gentle touch on her tailbone.

her heart is pound, pound, pounding painfully in her head. she looks up to meet those merciless eyes.

and all she can think of is how easy it'll be.

his fingers are digging into her tailbone, pushing her weight further into free, open air.

when she turns to grab his arm, her fingers flail through empty space and all that's left is a heartbreaker's smile glowing in the dark night.

with one last longing look at the ground below her, she climbs off the edge of the balcony and is through the door to her bedroom.

for once, the heartbreaker's ghost hasn't got its fingers curled around her neck that night as she's lying in bed.

because maybe,

I just need to let you go.