doomsday

twelve: fool

"don't you know baby, only fools stick around when the love is all gone"

are you trying to make a fool out of yourself?

my thumbs halt in mid-air at those words, hovering over a tiny blinking line that's now my only connection to you.

my eyes travel quickly from the screen and onto my desk, where your smiling face is frozen in that glossy photograph I can't seem to pull myself away from anymore.

it used to make me cry, looking at that photo.

at what we used to have. at how easy it was for you to have gone from running to see me to running away from me.

but now everything just feels empty.

there're these little tugs of pain and pining that are constantly trying to reduce me into the hole of hurt that was the girl I was two months ago; but now, everything is just silent.

everything.

is.

just.

nothing.

tell me, how can that be? how is it that pulling myself out of bed has become the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my entire life, when I can only imagine how blissful everything must be for you right now?

how could you have found it within yourself to be so cruel, to flick me away like that when all I saw when I looked at you was a shiny future?

but, of course. how could I have been so foolish?

to think that you were ever mine. that there could have ever been a shiny future. that even after all this time, there could still be something worth salvaging.

the girl cradled in your arms on that night, in that photo, chose to ignore all of your ugly parts.

and maybe that's why it was so easy for you to let her fall.

so, let me go find my big red nose. my rainbow coloured wig. my polka-dotted costume.

maybe then the girl with the aching toes and a mind drunk on you will finally understand.

everything is nothing, my love.

(that's what it's always been to you.)

watch me make more of a fool out of myself by trying to make that statement true. I can erase myself off of the face of the Earth, tell my psychiatrist that I'm so far past you nothing could even begin to bring me back, and dupe myself into believing I still have some form of a soul left.

but will it change anything?

the girl with a glimmer of hope and the boy with a fake smile will still remain frozen in a time where love wasn't a joke.

but the girl with no one to live for and the boy with everything to live for will still exist.

well.

at least he will.