doomsday

four: all I ask

the first thing I remember from last night is how heavy everything felt, with my heart in your hands and your thighs between my legs.

you are warm yet distant. the haze weighing down on me has barely started to lift as I attempt to detangle myself from your tight grip.

and yet, despite the floor being littered with our belongings and the pain lingering around my throat and in between my thighs, I can't help but feel like all I want to do is curl back into your arms and fall asleep.

but when my eyes travel over the little splatters of blood adorning the bedsheets, all I can think of is how this all started...

----

the simple words I'm coming over flashing on my screen are enough to send a hot jolt of panic through my entire body.

I've never been unfamiliar with the 2AM existential crisis. every dark, bleary morning has greeted me with a shortage of air and a dismaying disgust settling in on me when I reach for the phone to call you.

and yet, this time I still did.

this time it was almost as if I was still dreaming, in which your bright blue eyes and secretive smirk filled the empty space in my mind.

before I know it, you're filling my doorway, broodiness hanging over you and forcing me backwards until there's nowhere left to go.

so, you do what you do best: twist everything into this sweet little sentence telling me that you've missed me and that you know exactly how to make you feel better.

the lines of reality are blurring fast as my grip on your shoulders starts to slip.

I find myself whispering the words it's okay. I trust you. I want this too, before you're carrying me off into the bedroom and the cold night air is attacking my exposed skin.

it's too fast before you're hovering over me, one last reassurance checking in to ask if this is really what you want, and like the naïve little girl you've always said I am, all that comes tumbling out of my mouth is all I ask is for you to love me.

and just like that, I'm dissolving in your arms, eyes squeezed shut and lips pressed against your Adam's apple, fooling myself into believing this is how best to relieve my stress.

you're watching me fall apart and I know you love how easily you can make me come undone. you press your palms into my throat and stare into my eyes, and yet the only opposition you get from me is my fingers curling around your wrists.

when your lips meet my ear later, you tell me how proud I am of you. You're so special to me, and I feel myself clinging onto every word.

your arm curled around my waist tells me that you've claimed your prize, so I settle inside your safe haven and tuck myself in underneath your chin.

that gorgeous blue bears down on me before I open my mouth to say, I don't know if I'll ever love anyone else again.

the tiny curve in your lips is irresistible, so I close my lips over yours just after you reply with:

"I know."