its just a story

1. january 29 and 30

(you fucked up)
(being more confident does not mean be really hangy and annoying and loud you fucking idiot)
(shes going to break up with you she fucking hates you)

January 29th. Fucking stupid. Sorry. Excuse my language. You'll get enough of that when Cthulhu comes in. It was an okay day, actually. But what I did. I told myself that I would do what Kennedy told me. I would be more confident. I wouldn't be scared, I wouldn't be sorry (all the time). I'd chill out some. But no. I can't. I'm not that kind of person I guess.

We were in the field at the back of our school. It was lunch time. We were running around, having fun. But of course, Owen - no, me. I couldn't stop hanging on Kennedy. I could tell she was trying to get away. But at the time, I didn't care.
(Liebe fuck you)
I kept going back. I can just imagine what she was thinking: Owen get the fuck off me please I don't need to be hugged every two minutes just fuck off. I'm such a needy asshole. It's annoying. I'm going to stop hugging her and see what happens. I'm going to kill Liebe, I swear to God.

I hate that part of myself that can't stop touching. It's so annoying. It's so dumb. It shows that I'm weak. I'm not. I'm really not.

After lunch, all I could think to myself was that she was going to break up with me. When I got home, she didn't really text which
(you fucked up she doesnt want to talk to you)
is kind of normal for her. If she doesn't want to talk at the moment, she won't. That's a skill I don't have. Ignoring people. She's special, she really is. We were texting the day before, Saturday. It came to the point where I asked: What will it take to prove that I love you more than you love me?

She said "Kiss me" with a text emoji at the end. I planned on doing it.
This is your chance.
She fucking told you to!?
Don't screw it up she'll hate you.
I didn't kiss her. I'll wait. I won't do that yet. It's only been a month. I won't move too fast. Don't want to screw up now. That's the end of today.

The end of today. But I'm just starting tonight. It was an eventful night. All the things going wrong with the group, everything that was said, all the things I didn't know all got to me. I freaked out.
The mountains i need someone o god why why is no one on I need to talk to someone the mountains im scared of the mountains fucking help me goddam it!
I texted Irina and pissed her off, I'm sure. She helped though. She stopped me from cutting, although I don't think she knows that. She saved me. Kennedy doesn't know, she probably won't be happy to find out here of all places.

I couldn't see, I couldn't breathe. It was just black. I was crying. Rocking back and forth to the sound of nothing. The nothing scared me too. The nothing surrounds me, all the time. I hate it. I'm scared of it. And the mountains. The goddam mountains.

The dreams, too. They came back. I'll talk about those later.

January 30th. Today makes exactly a month of me and Kennedy getting together. I wanted it to be a good day. But of course, something goes wrong. Expected.

Leo made fun of Sommer's whisp, I think. It was either whisp or lisp. It doesn't matter. Leo made fun of something. He told a joke, because he's Leo. That's who he is. The joker (funny thing is, he was the Joker for Halloween). Sommer got offended, Irina got angry because Leo messed with her and made her mad, blah blah blah.

The thing with Sommer is . . . she's sensitive. Here's an example.

Sommer's 13th birthday party. Most of the group was there. Mia, Pri, Kennedy, Kamren, Garran, and Keagan. There were two others. Kylie was one, I think. I don't remember the other one. But we were all having fun. We were happy. Away from the drama for once. Except we weren't away from the drama. We will never be away from the drama. Sommer had a panic (anxiety?) attack through pretty much the whole thing. It scared Irina, Kennedy, me, maybe Mia, I'm not sure. It was really annoying.
(yaaaay we're happy and it's your birthday this is a great day!)
( . . . )
( . . . )
( . . . )
She hid behind a tree for the birthday event. The birthday piñata. So goddam annoying. Noise. It was noise.

So, anyway. Leo made fun of her. A joke. She took it seriously. She hid in the bathroom, taking Mia with her. Mia was pissed already. I asked her what was wrong and she told me, the first line of spoken dialogue in this story:

"Piss off."

I didn't know what to say, or what to do. I stood there as she walked into the school to see Sommer in the bathroom.
(ya pissed her off)
(leave her be)
(ow . . . )

I turned around and saw Irina, she was freaking out. I went to her and she turned around and I followed and we stopped in the middle of the little grass area in front of the concrete "eating area". She asked where Leo was (Kennedy was calming him down because he was mad at himself for making Sommer mad) and I pointed to him with Kennedy. She looked at thing, disappointed and scared, it seemed. She didn't say anything. She didn't look at me. She didn't even acknowledge that I was there anymore. She just walked away
(good job)
to go be alone or something. I was terrified. Leo was mad. Irina was freaking out. I think Kennedy was pissed off. Mia was mad. Sommer was Sommer.

I got home that day to find a package from McKenzie (McKenzie is a good friend who is like a big sister to me. She was on a trip, so I couldn't text her, I had no clue it was coming). I opened it and it made me feel a bit better. There was a hand-written note and a DVD set of tele-plays based on some of Stephen King's short stories. Nightmares & Dreamscapes from the stories of Stephen King. I still haven't watched them. I probably will tonight. The note was folded, the side that was showing had little pictures of Pennywise the Clown's face. It was amazing. It on my desk now, and I'm looking at it as I type this.

That night, it all got to me once again. But this time, I had my parents yelling at me. Wonderful. Just what I needed. They told me to try harder. Oh boy, they have no idea what I'm going through. When they were asleep, I got out of my bed, pulled open my dresser, and grabbed something. I didn't bother with closing the drawer. I would be done soon. I pulled up the leg of my sweatpants and kept it up on my knee. I looked to my other hand to open what I grabbed from the dresser. It was a box-cutter. A very sharp box-cutter. I pushed up on the slider that made the blade come up and I put it against my leg. I took deep breaths and then -

(the mountains o god they are back)

My alarm sounded, as loud as it always is. 5:20 AM. I climbed down the ladder of my bed and walked over to the clock. I switched it off and felt a sharp
(haha)
pain in my leg. A burning pain. I bent down on one knee and pulled up my pant leg. Ten straight horizontal lines wrapped around my leg, dark red. The blood had dried.
Shit.
I went to my dresser, pulled out the box-cutter, and put it in my lunch bag.

I gave it to Kennedy.

Today is a new day.

Today will be good.

Boy, was I wrong.

If you think this is going to be the whole story, you are very wrong. Things will get much worse than drama at school or cutting at night. Things will get way worse. Some may say I go insane, at some point. They may be right. I may be insane right now, as I write. I don't know. Leave if you want. But if you want something more than this, continue. But I must remind you, this is not for the "faint of heart". I'd like to apologise for what's about to come.

To Kennedy, I'm sorry.

To Irina, I'm sorry.

To Sommer and the others, you can leave now. Don't force yourself.